Monday, December 17, 2007

It's the Little Things That Count

Life can be loud and hectic sometimes. It's important to stop and "smell the roses" every now and then, really remind yourself that some things make perfect sense. Find the little things throughout the day that are meaningful and make you smile.
For example for lunch today I'm eating left over chili from last night, with left over brie on top of it, from our party on Friday. As I dug into this pile of leftover mush I thought to myself, this meal is really representative of me as a person. Chili is loud and messy and brie is clean and classy, and yet still sort of messy. Chili can be served up a lot of different ways but at the end of the day it's still reliable. Brie can go with anything or stand alone. Plus they are bad for you, but in a really good way. Thats me! Me in a nutshell. I should nickname myself brili.
These are the important thoughts that fill my day. Now I'm off to play with Matt's dog and take pictures of the LA skyline.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Happy Birthday Kelly!!



Happy Birthday to one of the funniest, grossest, most awkward, most loyal, most dog friendly, most old people friendly, most creative, best wall poster, hippie clothes, freshman year, college, Louise, Lab School. Happy Birthday!

Break on Through to the Other Side

Recently a couple of people have said "Hey Cissy and Julia, whats up with your blog Benswick? How come you don't post as much anymore, how come you always make promises and never show up? How come you promised to go the cabin with us and then skipped out to sleep with your Secretary? How come Skymall is your new baby? How come you forgot this baby? How come you don't have real jobs or? How come, ksffdgdfgh, dingo dingo, tainted Turkish delight, dingo, BB salad, pack pash:-3285757?"

Well Julia pretty much spit in their faces, because she suffers from Persimmons and thinks all our readers are Cikaels. However, I decided that I would answer the issue of why posting has become hard in an interview with myself. All my questions will be statements.

Cissy: You have been posting more on Skymall. Not Benswick.
Cissy: I know, Skymall is funny. Plus its not so personal, so it's easier. Sometimes personal blogs can be tough, because you are thinking, "does this matter to anyone but me?" And the answer is usually no. Skymall, however, matters to everyone.

Cissy: Tell us what you would post if you weren't addicted to Skymall.
Cissy: Well I guess I have a couple things I could tell you about. Like how Julia and I decided to be tourists for an afternoon and went up to Hollywood Blvd. to see Enchanted, but the tickets cost $20 so we went shopping instead. I would probably tell you about how much the people dressed up as Batman, and Indiana Jones freaked me out because they REALLY think they are those people. Or, I could tell you about Julia and I going to see an an improv show called ASSSCAT at the UCB. One of the guys in the show, in front of the entire sold out crowd, told me "You look like someone who would F a Bible." Except he didn't say F, he said the whole thing. The whole F word.

Cissy: You stayed in LA for Thanksgiving, that could have been a post.
Cissy: True, that could have been a post. You are one smart cookie, Cissy. Now, if you would only learn out to spell you could take over the world! I did stay in LA for Thanksgiving. I missed seeing my family and friends because I love them very much. Staying here was great though. I went over to Allison's house. Allison and I started going to Stone Ridge together in Kindergarten. How cool is that? I got to spend Thanksgiving with a friend who I have known since we were 5! Plus Allison is a FANTASTIC cook and she has cool friends who came over as well. Turns out Thanksgiving can be awesome even if you are not at home.

Cissy: Now that you are back, you should stay back.
Cissy: Wait, stay back as in don't post, or stay back as in I am back at Benswick and I should stay back at Benswick?
Cissy: Stay Back.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Dear Diary

Drinking hard liquor in public is like playing social Russian roulette.

Monday, November 19, 2007

It's True, I Can't Spell

I have been preforming in improv shows for the past 2 years now, as well as done a few stand-up shows, and not once was I heckled. Sure more times then I care to remember people stared at me blank faced and did not laugh, but no one came out and said "you are not funny."

Recently Julia and I started writing for Sky Mall Product Review.
We instantly fell in love with writing for this blog and that is why our posts here on Benswick have been lacking. This morning it was called to my attention that I had an "online heckler." There is a man who just does not like me or my style. His comments range from inviting me to buy a grammar book to a simple "ughhh."

This morning when I read all three of this man's comments I was pretty bummed out. No one likes to read that someone thinks they are a bad writer and not funny. I shared my concern with a few friends and family members. Their responses solidified for me that the people I know are the greatest people in the world. I quickly moved past being upset and ran head first into thinking the whole situation is utterly hilarious. Plus the guy is right, I can't spell and my grammar is atrocious. My favorite response came from my mom, who like me has a general "tough love" approach to problems.
My Mom: I wish I could put ex-lax in his food for a month. What a creep, I bet he sits at his computer with underpants on his head and lives with his mother. You better get used to it babe and just hope he doesn't know your address.

The idea of this man, that my mom has imagined, coming to our apartment and trying to force me to improve my spelling and grammar is hilarious to me. I am going to spend the rest of the afternoon writing a sketch about it.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Hopefully The Newest Distraction From Your Day

Julia and I now have a second blog we will be posting on.
You may remember this teaser post. Maggie Littlewood will be attending the Ace of Base concert with me.

Thanks to Nate Luce, and Adam Teslik. We now have the pleasure of joining these two excellent writers on Sky Mall Product Review.

Happy Birthday!!

Saturday, November 10, 2007

More Sightings

I saw Nicole Richie and Joel Madden shopping on our block. She is tiny and he has a ton of tattoos but actually looks sort of buff. I was on the phone with my mom when I saw them and she responded with "She is just ghastly, why are you looking at those weirdos?"

Andre 3000 was sitting a couple of couches away from us at the Tropicana Bar at the Roosevelt last night. His manager was a douche, and it was the first time I have felt grossed out by LA people. The manager was barely 5'5 and about 50 years old. First he hit on my friend, then he said he wanted to set her up with his son, then he asked if she was going to do coke and could he come. What a creep.

Are these boring yet?

I Just Ate 7 Pieces of Pizza, and Now My Stomach Hurts

I am a child care professional. Basically that's my fancy way of saying I am a babysitter. I knew babysitting in LA was going to be different from babysitting in DC. I was worried that all the LA moms would only buy healthy food for their kids. Eating kid junk food is one of the best parts of babysitting and I was not looking forward to giving that up. I was pleasantly surprised to find that even the healthiest, skinniest moms still give their kids pizza when they go out. What I find to be the most different about babysitting on the West Coast versus the East Coast is not the food selection, or the fancy houses, or even where the parents are going that night (DC might not have award shows but their are still plenty of fancy events for parents to attend) No, the real difference is the movie selection. Tonight I am babysitting 4 kids all under the age of 13, the beginning of my night played out like this:

Girl: OK so we can either watch "The Heartbreak Kid" or "Enchanted"
Me: Oh, OK. Are we going out, your mom didn't mention it.
Girl: No, we have those on DVD.
Me: Um, I thought "Heartbreak Kid" was still in theaters, and hasn't "Enchanted" not even come out yet?
Girl's Friend: Well my dad is the head of all new concept blah blah, NBC, blah blah executive, something important, something important
Me: Oh cool. So um is he affected by the strike?
Girls Friend: No. Or we could watch American Gangster.
Me: Isn't that rated R?
Girl and Girls Friend (who are 13): So?

The idea of having a movie on DVD that hasn't even come out yet is crazy to me, yet I am finding it to be quite common out here. So far every kid I have babysat for has had at least one parent in the industry. For them it's not a big deal at all to watch a movie at home in the privacy of their own home theater 2 weeks before it is even released.

I believe I have found my new favorite part of babysitting. Now if you will excuse me I have to go watch Vince Vaughn playing "Vince Vaughn goes to the North Pole" in "Fred Claus".

Monday, November 5, 2007

You should give her a "Stanley Steemer" for Christmas....

....If you know what I mean....(wink wink)

I'm A 7 Year Old Boy

Tonight Julia and I went to see the movie "Gone Baby Gone."
This movie is INTENSE. It is an emotional roller coaster. Julia and I both thought it was a good movie though, worth seeing if you can stomach human pain.

The shift between funny and tragic is quick in the movie and for the first 45 minutes or so I just sat wide mouthed not really sure how to emote how I was feeling in an appropriate manner for a crowded movie theater. After a particularly intense scene I attempted to resume normal breathing when all of a sudden I caught a whiff of the most rank fart I have smelled in a while. Now I am a childcare professional so I am used to smelly diapers, but this smell was just sickening. For the record it was not Julia who farted. In fact I'm not sure if it was a fart at all, I wouldn't be surprised if someone sitting near me had shit their pants. So during this very intense movie after a very painful scene I start laughing. Then I smell the fart/shit again and I start laughing even harder. Then I think about the fact that I am in such an intense movie and the strongest reaction I have had thus far is to laugh at a fart/shit smell. I realized that my laughter was attracting attention, from both Julia and the others sitting around me so I tried to turn it into a cry, to gain sympathy instead of anger. That only made it worse because I was thinking about the fact that I was trying to cry to not sound like I was laughing, and I knew I shouldn't be laughing, and then I did start crying, from laughing so hard.
And then people got shot in the movie so I screamed and shut the hell up.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Hit List Vol 1.

When I first told people I was moving to LA a lot of people warned me about the douche bags I would meet out here. Up until today I have found majority of people I meet to be very nice, and if they are not then they are just normal and that's OK too. However, today while shopping in the Gap I saw a woman that offended me in every way possible.

First of all she was not attractive. I say this in the most sincere way possible. She physically looked fine. She was normal height, normal weight, regular clothes. What looked so awful was the expression on her face. I am being generous to her when I say she looked like someone had gone diarrhea in her hair dryer and she had just used it, and could smell it, and taste it. To top it all off she was wearing sunglasses, inside, at the Gap. She was not a celebrity, she didn't even look important, not that being a celebrity is an excuse. Sunglasses inside are inexcusable unless you are blind. But at least a celebrity I can forgive because I get a good story out of it. Second she stood with her back to the register while the guy she was with paid. No thank yous were addressed to the Gap employees. Rudeness just does not fly in my book, there is absolutely no excuse for being rude to someone helping you. She offended the people working there, and she offended me by looking in my general direction. I was filled with such an intense desire to just go up and knock the sunglasses of her face.

Stupid ugly gap lady with sunglasses on her face just made my list.

Institution Chic Becomes A Reality

Today for about 15 minutes I went legit crazy.

I decided that I needed a pair of pants that wasn't jeans or white jeans so I decided to brave the crowds and go shopping at the Grove. For those of you not familiar with the Grove it is a huge outdoor mall here in LA. It looks like a movie set and has a massive fountain in the middle. Tons of restaurants, expensive shopping, cheap shopping (or as I like to refer to it Part Time Paycheck Shopping) and even a movie theater.

The garage for the Grove is massive and has 7 levels, lucky for me I found a spot close to the elevators on level "4." I navigated my way through the crowds at the Gap and found my awesome new pair of corduroys for super cheap. Awesome. I was done shopping in under 20 minutes. I made my way back to the garage and riding up the elevator I was thinking, I'm on level 4, I'm on level 4, that woman should not be wearing that skirt, I'm on level 4.

I exit on level 4 and walk to where I parked my car. It is not there. Ok I think, I'm not the worlds most with it person so there is a HUGE possibility that I forgot where I originally parked, no big deal. So I start wandering around level 4 of the parking lot. Now anyone who has parked or has tried to park in a busy lot knows that the best bet when it comes to finding a spot is to follow a person walking to their car. In under 15 seconds I had developed quite the following of cars. Of course I am their biggest nightmare because I am wandering aimlessly between the aisles, basically the biggest parking spot tease of all time. Finally I start to panic when I realized I have checked all the aisles near where I thought I parked. So I decide to set off my alarm and follow the sound to my car. I am relieved to hear my alarm start, confirming my car was not stolen. So I start to walk towards the sound, I turn the alarm off and wait to see my blue jeep with MD plates. It does not appear. So I set my alarm off again, and again I hear it. So I walk back towards where I hear it. Now at this point I am really really starting to get pissed off with myself, I mean how out of it am I that I cant find my beeping and blinking car. So I go into full search mode, waving off the line of cars following my every mood I start walking up and down the aisles. I locate the loudest spot with my alarm beeping and once again turn it off. Once again I still cannot find my car. At this point I am almost crying. I am about to rip my hair out, I am convinced I am going crazy. I hear my car, but I cannot see my car. I set my alarm off again. I hear the beeping loud and clear, and no car. I am feeling so defeated I throw my hands up and in that moment through the openings in the ceiling I see red blinking lights coinciding with my beeping car.

I had parked on level 5. My car was above my head the entire time.

Great Moment in Starbucks History

In August, my dad gave me a Starbucks card. Today, I knew I was running low on the card so I braced myself for paying a slight difference. Nope. My chai latte cost EXACTLY what was left on the card. $3.55. 0 balance. The cashier was not nearly as amused as I was.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

"Tell Me What You Don't Like About Yourself"/This Show



As you may know, the season premiere of Nip/Tuck aired this past week. As you may not know, this new season is completely based on the experience of (Drs) Julia Bensfield and Cissy Fenwick. And we are not happy about it.

For those of you who aren't familiar with this (so-so) FX series, allow me to fill you in: Two plastic surgeons, (Drs) Christian Troy and Sean McNamara, live in Miami where they perform cutting edge surgeries on women and men who are unhappy with their bodies (as they should be!). Sean and Christian are not gay, nor are they brothers, but they share a South Beach mansion for some reason and are usually cooking dinner together.

This season, by very curious coincidence, Christian and Sean have packed up and moved to Los Angeles--- aka "The Mecca of Plastic Surgery" aka "The City Where Cissy and Julia Shop at Smart&Final." Before all the sexy west coast freak-show-surgeries can begin, Xtian and Sean need to make a name for themselves in this little desert city. BUT HOW???

Here's where a little thing I like to call The LA Montage comes in pretty handy. A perfect fusion of the opening of The Hills and the Dogg brothers' getting-ready-to-go-out self tanner and cologne-soaked scene from True Life: I'm a Clubber, the Nip/Tuck montage did not disappoint. Uh oh! The boys need to go out and pick up clients! Christian can't decide on a blazer! Sean is fussing around with his hair pomade! Sean has a black baby with no babysitter! Christian has tried on every blazer in the (shared) Malibu pad and tossed them onto his bed! Cosmos are being poured! Everyone is tan! Christian and Sean's moves aren't working on the ladies because they are G-A-Y!

To make a long story short: Christian found a blazer. Oh, and Lauren Hutton told the boys that the only way to get clients was to get publicity. She recommends becoming consultants on "Hearts and Scalpels," an eerily similar fake show within-a-show. They get the gig, they get exposure, they get patients (including 1. a studio exec who likes to get whipped by Cassssaaaannnnndrrrraaaa and 2. The Not-Heather Locklear, Not-Andrew Shue, Not-Courtney Thorne Smith Woman From Melrose Place) and suddenly our boys have been sucked into the world of fame, power and dirty. sexy. money.

Which brings me to my original concern: How DARE FX take the Cissy Fenwick and Julia Bensfield story??We moved out here as sexy young plastic surgeons, looking for a new city and a beach house where we could stock our blazers and raise our interracial infant. Now look at us: writing on a hit TV show, getting hair plugs (Cissy), and feuding over things that are superficial...all while sewing up nostrils and putting implants into a tranny's third breast. Think about it, FX. Now I have a meal to cook with my roommate!

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Dear Diary

I finally know what all those crazy homosexual/transvestites/drug addicts/starving artists were singing and dancing about in the musical "Rent" now that I too live in an apartment where I have to pay rent. Why should they have to pay for their HUGE loft with AMAZING river views when there are so many other things to spend money on like fake eyelashes, hooker shoes, drugs, and expensive paints. I don't want to pay my rent either. I think I'm going to go throw caution to the wind and dance in the street and be really self-righteous about having AIDS. I have more important things to spend money on, like tickets to the Tyler Perry movie and star maps to celebrity homes.

Happy 1st of the month!

You Learn Something New Every Day

October 31st 2007:
Today I learned that nurses, sailors, maids, Rainbow Brite, doctors, girl scouts, refs, a queen, a court jester, Little Red Riding Hood, cats, bunnies, cops, fire fighters, pirates, Mrs Claus, construction workers, Pocahontas, teachers, girls who go to school, Hermione Granger, plumbers, cowgirls, bumble-bees, waitresses, pilots, Sherlock Holmes and any Disney character ever; all wear thigh highs, high heels, short skirts, low cut tops, and chokers. Who knew??

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

RIP... GOULET



Robert Goulet passed away at 73 today. He will be missed.

Tricks of the Trade

Trick or Treat! Yea, we have all been hearing that phrase a lot the last week. But what about it's Forgotten Stepchild Catchphrase; Tricks of the Trade? Inside pointers that help you succeed in a certain situation aka Tricks of the Trade may not have it's own holiday, but it is still an important catch-phrase none the less. To commemorate this very important catch phrase I am going to share with you a few "tricks of the trade" to spotting celebrities.

Tricks of the Trade to spotting Celebrities:
1)Live your life like an "out of work" celebrity
Many celebrities live off money they make from syndication. They are not currently filming anything but they probably toss movie/t.v ideas around with their friends. I am currently working about an hour/two hours a day. Not by choice. Like most celebrities I would like to work more. Except in my case I would panic in front of a camera at work. Because at my job it would be a "nanny cam." I do however have a little income and toss around sketch/stand-up ideas around with my friends. Since most of my day is free I have taken to running pointless errands around town, brunching in the middle of the week, and staying out late on the weeknights. Every time I have done one of these things I have run into a celebrity. Just this morning Julia and I were having brunch with a friend and we sat next to Mila Kunis, the voice of Meg on "Family Guy", as well as one of the girls on "That 70's Show". I also sat near Minnie Driver while having brunch a couple of weeks ago with some girlfriends of mine from high school. Just last week I was behind Kevin Smith in line at Target, and later that day when I was driving to get my car cleaned I drove by a taping of "The Hills." I never would have seen David Spade if I hadn't thought getting drunk on a Wednesday night was a good idea. Its quite simple, the less money you make, the more celebrities you will see. Besides everyone knows a good celebrity sighting is like money in the bank.

2) Work constantly to afford going to swanky places
Now I haven't tried this out yet. But I have been passed this information as an excellent trick of the trade. If you can afford a table or bottle service at a swanky club in LA you will most likely see or interact with a celebrity who is trying to get into the tabloids therefore probably working, and probably a douche. Personally I try to steer clear of any place with a guest list or a line so I'm fine with my out of work celebrities to accompany my out of work self, they are usually nicer anyway. Perspective is a wonderful thing!

3) Be REALLY lucky or a HUGE stalker
A good celebrity sighting is often luck. Or stalking. It's 50/50 really. Anyone can read about a celebrities interests and then frequent places you know they would enjoy. But just as often you could be out having a good time with your friends, or walking your dog, or fake shopping (thats looking at clothes but not buying them, because you don't have a job) and see your favorite star of yesterday or today.

So, dear readers, just follow these simple tricks of the trade and watch the celebrity sightings roll in. You're welcome.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Institution Chic



This picture was taken of me last night. It is part of my Halloween costume. I'm always a "middle school drama teacher" but the details of the costume change depending on the night.

I realized this morning that based on this picture alone I could start a new wave of high end fashion. Zoolander brought us Derelict, now I present Institution Chic.

Its pre-rehab, post mental hospital, currently resides in a door frame....at the library.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

You're Not My Real Dad

On very special occasions I leave the bright light of my glowing television set and I go out on the town. Tonight I attended a costume party in Silver Lake. From the front the house looked like a little rambler, but it lead into a small back yard, a long, steep set of stairs and into a HUGE backyard. The stairs and rocky terrain proved difficult for me (not because I was drunk, I was the DD tonight) but because I had on one awkward boot and one sneaker. I went as a "middle school drama teacher." The only thing that ensured I wasn't the most unattractive female there were the multitude of transvestites. Probably around 150-200 people there all in different types of costumes. They ranged from typical (a slutty nurse/fairy/nun/any person ever) to amazing (a 6'7 large large man dressed as Fesick from Princess bride, flawless)

One guy danced up to us in a tiny pair of shorts and a wannabe members only jacket unbuttoned with nothing underneath. I asked him what he was and he said "Your Dad" and I said "You look good for your age" Which I feel like is a MORE then generous response to such a douche chill costume. About 10 minutes later I witnessed him being an ass around some other people and they too asked him what he was. After he responded the guy who asked looked at him and said "well thanks for raping me" I left about 10 minutes later.

Happy Halloween.

Dear Diary

Tonight I went to a costume party. I saw a guy in a white t-shirt that looked like it had been in a fire. On the shirt was written MALIBU and on the back it said Too Soon?

Friday, October 26, 2007

Putting the " UR A Man" and "Ic!" in "Manicure!"

On Tuesday, I got a manicure from a man.

I have been getting my nails done every two weeks since I was 16, and only twice have I had a man do the task. The first was a cell phone ear-piece-wearing long-haired cheeseball who handled my hands as though they were piping hot crabs. The second man is the one I would like to discuss in this entry. For context, this guy was part of a nail duo-- girl on feet, man on hands.

I like when women do my nails. They have soft hands and they always praise the color I pick out. They smile and ask me if I have plans that night (I never do, but sometimes I lie. I once told Tchau at a Capitol Hill salon that I was going to a ball). Women manicurists make me feel very special. I really liked the woman who did my pedicure on Tuesday, mostly because she distracted me from the butchering that was going on on my hands. Mr. I-wear-a-gold-chain-and-am-flirting-with-the-receptionist managed to make 4 of my cuticles bleed from aggressive cutting and from neglecting to put my hands in warm water (oh no he deh-ennnnnt!!!!). This GUY not only rushed me into signing the bill with wet hands, but didn't even MENTION how pretty my color was!

I know many wonderful men in my life, but not one would I ever trust for my personal grooming. Their hands are hard and they have no interest in balls that I may or may not be attending that evening. I'm sorry if this is all sexist, but YOU try cleaning countertops with 409-vulnerable cuticles!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Craiglist Job Option #3

TICKLISH GIRLS WANTED FOR VIDEO ** $500 for 20 minutes


Reply to: girlsticklinggirls@gmail.com
Date: 2007-10-24, 12:01PM PDT


Looking for attractive and ticklish girls that are 18 to 25 years old for tickling fetish videos. No nudity involved, fully clothed at all times, this is not porn, very professional. Must have a fun and bubbly personality on camera. Your job will be to tickle a girl for 10 minutes and then be tickled for 10 minutes all while being videotaped. Some easy role-playing may be involved.

THIS IS THE EASIEST MONEY YOU WILL EVER MAKE!! Fun and easy gig. Get paid $500 cash for having fun being tickled and tickling.

Put Down That Remote

Lately I have been watching a lot of t.v and not reading as much as I should. I decided to make a change, and I'm starting with the woman in the mirror. The following articles are two of my favorites that I have come across in my efforts to watch less and read more. Enjoy.

An article about roles for women in comedy movies. Thanks to Jordan Boughrum for sending this my way!

An article about a traveling exhibition devoted to the theme of failed relationships. Thanks to Julia for sending this my way. What would you put in the exhibit???

A Hollywood Psychic. Great job? Or Greatest Job?

Today walking home from Target I was stopped by a woman pushing a stroller. She loudly said "Excuse Me!" and I stopped thinking she needed directions or was going to ask me for change. She immediately identified herself and the interaction is as follows:

Psychic: I'm a psychic and I just want you to know I see good things for you in the next year. Whats your name?
Me: Ohh, great! Thank You. My name is Cissy(I'm smiling and for a second I actually believe her)
Psychic: You shine so bright. I know you faced some obstacles last year. But this year I think your hard work towards your goals will pay off.
Me: Oh, ok, great, thank you.. (I'm still smiling but starting to get a little skeptic, especially since I know I am not "shining so bright" I'm wearing a shirt with stains on it, and the whole reason I went to Target was to buy shampoo because I hadn't washed my hair in two days)
Psychic: Whats your name?
Me: Cissy. (At this point I'm thinking, common lady I JUST told you my name, now I understand you're no mind reader but you should remember my name if you are going to try and sell me this load of crap)
Psychic: Cissy, did you face some obstacles last year?
Me: Sort of....(I'm half smiling at this point, but frankly I was hoping for a bit more out of this. Of course I faced some obstacles in the last year, who doesn't go a whole f-ing year without some obstacles?!)
Psychic: I can give you a reading right now. (We are standing on the side of the road and she is pushing a baby carriage with a real kid in it)
Me: Oh no thanks...(and I walked away)


For the rest of the walk home I began thinking what a great job a Hollywood Psychic would be. I mean 9 out of 10 people you meet out here are trying to break into the industry in some way. So of course they have big goals, and obstacles to face. Also it is such a toss up if most of these people are ever going to achieve the level of fame they want so most are really desperate for some sign of hope. I admit that even I in the first seconds of our encounter really believed that this woman could tell I was "special." A psychic in general is a pretty easy job but a psychic in Hollywood, well that's a gold mine!!

Celebrity Sightings 5, 6, 7

Dear readers, you might have been asking yourselves "Cissy and Julia live in Hollywood now, why are they not hanging out with celebrities left and right?" Well maybe we are! And maybe we're not. Either way here are my celebrity sightings from the past month.


Sighting One
Driving down Robertson Blvd, where normally you can expect to see female celebrities out shopping between drug overdoses, I saw Oscar from the office. Needless to say I was more excited to see him because he is a brilliant improviser and has been on two of my favorite t.v shows, the office, and Reno 911.

Sighting Two


Today I went on a little shopping excursion to target. Anyone who has ever shopped at Target knows that the check out situation can be a bit of a cluster-fuck. I only had two small items I was buying so I searched for the shortest line possible. I noticed a man who seemed to only have bags and bags of M&Ms that he was buying so I made a bee-line to get behind him in line. My first thought was that the man in front of me with a rampant sugar addiction looked like our downstairs neighbor. Then I realized it was non other then Silent Bob himself, Kevin Smith. His very tall and thin wife popped up as he was signing the credit card receipt, she looked miserable.

Sighting 3
Last night Julia and I were supposed to have improv class. However, due to power outages class was cancelled after we had all arrived. As a class we decided to go get drinks and hang out so it wasn't a wasted evening. We ended up at a very large Mexican Bar/Restaurant near our house. This particular establishment had about 200 televisions everywhere you looked all playing the World Series. Our class ended up at a long table in the corner. I noticed that not even 10 feet from us was a private room that looked like a board room, with about 8 flat screens. The long board room table in the middle, but instead of normal office chairs there were special "Mexican Restaurant VIP room office chairs." Low and behold who should be sitting at the head of the table was "Riiiiiicccchhhhhaaaarrrddd" himself, David Spade. I love David Spade. Sometimes he gives me the douche chills because he is such a "celebrity" comedian but Tommy Boy is one of my all time favorites, so I feel a loyalty to him. Julia noticed him first, and said that they made eye contact and he immediately shut the curtains closing off the room. As soon as the game ended he got up and left, creating a scene eerily like the above picture. David Spade in all is 5 ft. glory with a tall thin blond catering to him. This sparked the always original conversation about why celebrities go out in the first place if they are just going to lock themselves up and be weird about being in public. For the record I did not see one person go up to him the entire time. If you are so against seeing other people, why not just stay home?

All That She Wants..

..Has come true!





There are certain "firsts" in every persons life that are remembered forever.
A few of mine:
First Tape: Ace of Base
First Talent Show Performance: Interpretive Dance to "I Saw the Sign" by Ace of Base
First "Inappropriate" Song I knew All the Words to: "All That She Wants" by Ace of Base

Ace of Base has just announced a reunion tour! First prize winner of the caption contest will be rewarded the ticket for the seat next to mine at their show in LA. You're welcome in advance, winner!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I Respect Your Van, Man


This van lives around the corner from us. I don't have much to say about it, except that it is repulsive. As you can see through the passenger-side window, this van is filled to the brim with trash. One can smell the trash from the other side of the road. If you opened that sliding door, you would probably be dead in 4 days from exposure. Cissy and I just wanted to let you know about this, and can show it to you in person if you come to visit.


PS--I don't know who "Tuffy the Dog" is, but I think I know where he is buried.

PPS-- Cissy made me take this picture even though I thought I would get killed. She said that if the owner popped out and asked questions, I should reply with "I respect your van....man."

Monday, October 22, 2007

Caption Contest

Extra, Extra. You dear readers, are the first to know, but there is a new blog hitting the world wide web sometime soon. In honor of that blog. (I wont tell you what it is just yet) I am posting this picture. Please leave your captions in the comments. There is a very special prize for the winning caption.



Julia and I first encountered this picture on our flight to LA.
Julia from 6 rows back texted me:
"Turn to page 114, that guy is paaaaasssssed out"
I texted back:
"That GUYYY is my Dad"

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Why Do Boys Yell?

Today is Sunday, and Nate is in town. He has been screaming to himself since the Colorado/Kansas game began at noon. I have been to three grocery stores, baked brownies, gone for a run... and Nate is still screaming on the couch. It is 5:00 pm.

Why do boys yell at the screen when they watch football on tv? Why do they always drink Miller Lite while doing so? How do they know everybody's name on the team AND all their stats? Why was I at three grocery stores today?

Cissy and I enjoy "Gossip Girl," but we don't fist-pump every time S says something douche-chilly. I believe that this is truly a gendered issue. I went over to my sister's house the other day, only to find my two nephews, brother-in-law and 2 male cousins screaming into the television set. They were all wearing Jets jersies, and the legal ones were drinking Miller light. Once, I hushed Nate during a game, and just at the point he wanted to scream out, a male neighbor took over and shook the whole apartment with his "YES!!!!!!" They were watching the same game apparently.

Right now Cissy has her earphones on, and I am sitting with my back to the television. We lead a very peaceful existence, and can't wait for Nick Lachey to head back to Wyoming.

Friday, October 19, 2007

The Part-Time Paycheck Diet

Instructions:
Simply have a part-time job, where you are rewarded a part-time paycheck. Then spend said paycheck on a medium amount of food and liquids. Liquids should usually be your biggest staple.

Results:
Not only will you look different (either bigger or smaller, really depends on how much you consume vs. how much you burn) but your fridge will look different as well. Much more organized (less items=less clutter) Its a win-win...

An example:
Our fridge consists of
one carton of eggs, some leftover tomato sauce, a gallon of milk, a brita water filter (that has expired, natch) two pieces of bread, some cheese, some old coffee, and some beer, we also have an onion that you cant see in this picture

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Meet My New Band: "Xtra Toppings"


Cissy F. on Emo Bass Guitar, Julie B. lead vocals, Danny P. on drums.

Free Venti Pumpkin Lattes at every concert.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

90210 Star Ian Ziering Regrets Ever Selling Lamp to Namedropping Douchebag

Selling Rug, pillows, lamp - Make offer - $5


Reply to: sale-448065760@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-13, 10:51AM PDT


**6' x 4' Traditional Style Oriental Rug. Thick, soft, great colors. $35
**Beautiful lamp (Purchased from 90210 star Ian Ziering) $20
**Pillows ranging from $5 to $10. Less if you buy multiples

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Ch-Ch-Ch-Check it Out

In life you have to make sacrifices. We made sacrifices to move to LA, those sacrifices include but are not limited to leaving behind the amazing comedy community in DC. It might be small but it is truly great.

Please check out these blogs as a testament to that Greatness.

DC Comedy 4 Now- 4 comics, one of whom is my bfffeffeeeffff for life Jason Saenz. The blog also includes writings from Nick Turner and Kojo Mante, both excellent comedians and damn good guys. As for Jay Hastings...consider yourself warned.


Natasha- Giggle Throttle
. Natasha used to direct me in Caveat, and was in Your Phone Company with Julia. She is hands down the most talented female improviser I have ever seen, as well as a damn fine lady.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Christmas in October

A couple of weeks ago, maybe more (actually it was the weekend Nate visited) Los Angeles had its first rainfall in 180 days. That's a lot of days. As a true East Coaster I was thrilled about the rain. I played the song "Grey in LA" by Loudon Wainwright III on repeat and snuggled in my bed all day. It was fantastic. That night when I was out at a bar I overheard a woman in the bathroom talking about the rain:
Woman 1: "I didn't leave the house all day, I couldn't get anything done. Luckily Tom had stocked up yesterday when he heard the news flash about the storm, I mean there was just NO way I was going to drive in those conditions"
Women 2: "Oh you are so lucky, we were so worried we almost went to Ralph's (grocery store out here) and then realized how dangerous it would be.
My thoughts: "This is a joke right?"

If rainstorms came in small, medium, and large this rainstorm would have been a size 4-6. The woman in the bathroom actually used the words "these conditions." The only time I have ever been afraid to drive in bad weather was the winter of o3' during the blizzard/ice storm in February that cancelled school for a week an a half, and even then I still drove, I was just a little nervous after fishtailing before I even got to the end of my block.
I recently brought this up with some friends of mine who live out here but who also grew up on the East Coast. They agreed that the response to rain out here is equivalent to our response to massive sleet/hail, snow, and ice. They said when there is even a chance of rain, people refuse to drive, they carry around massive umbrellas, everyone is wearing rain boots, and the bread shelves at the market as well as the streets are significantly less crowded.
While I think it is ridiculous how scared people are of driving in the rain out here, I do understand the hassle it can bring. The morning after I overheard the bar bathroom conversation I woke up to see a towel and a huge pot on the leather couch in our living room. The couch we had just recently purchased, in the new apartment we had just recently leased under the impression that it had been completely renovated before we moved in. Turns out the renovations were only on the inside and our ceiling had a leak. Our ceiling was like the woman in the bathroom, a complete pussy when it came to the rain.
Julia and I expressed our concern with our landlords and I wont bore you with all the details but just this morning we received a large gift basket, with a pretty bow, and filled with an assortment of special goodies, a gift from our landlords.


Until Julia gets home from work and we can open it together I have placed our gift basket underneath our "Christmas Tree."

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Some of Us Root for the Underdog

***UPDATE***
For those of you who have read this entry it is now updated. Ebon Moss-Bachrach is out. I still enjoy him in movies, however, information about him as a person that I received from a very credible source has led me to remove him from my personal list of heartthrobs. Paul Schneider is now #1, top of the list. I will work on finding a new #2, and a real #3.


Tonight I attended my first book club meeting.
That's not what this blog entry is about. This blog entry is about the road I took, when the two roads diverged in the woods (a.k.a, vis-a-vi) (my brain) and I had to choose between road A- which is a book club entry orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (blatant So I Married an Axe Murderer reference) road B- telling you who my favorite Hollywood dreamboats are. I choose road B (with a tiny bit of A, basically I'm on road B but I can still see A....ok?!! Yaaay. I thought about this tonight because tonight at the end of book club (see, here we are looking at road A) we decided when we were going to meet next. Someone suggested the date Nov 11th and Julia without pause screamed out THAT'S LEONARDO DICAPRIO'S BIRTHDAY!!!!
Now since this blog entry is not about book club I wont go into details about everyone else's reactions, however, I will share mine. Which is, I don't care much for Leonardo Dicaprio, and for that matter I don't care much for Brad, or Matt, or Hugh, or Ryan, or Ben, or John, or Jacob, or Jinggleheimerorshmidt. These men are, of course, good looking men, but they are not my men. These men do not get my heart racing when I see them on screen or in magazines. In fact they kind of give me the douche chills.


Crush # 1: Paul Schneider
I first fell for Paul Schneider while watching "The Family Stone" he just played that hometown, stoner, yet still an EMT, good guy next door character so well. I firmly believe that he had the best laugh in the whole movie, the whole movie full of family angst, and cancer, a deaf gay son, and a sibling love quad-mix-up weird switcheroo thing, basically a laugh riot... I recently saw The Assassination of Jesse James at the Arclight with Julia. Paul played a member of The James Gang. I was thrilled to introduce Julia to Paul, via the big screen. I'm not quite sure she understood my obsession, (which I like, I don't want to compete over my heartthrobs....unlike some people...Nov 11th...) but she did see his appeal. Some say appeal, some say second greatest living actor around today. Thanks to Jake, I have now seen "All the Real Girls" This movie is what promted me to oficially move Paul into the #1 spot.

Crush # 3: Thomas Mapother Like I said...I don't like to compete over my heartthrobs.





Sunday, October 7, 2007

Arclight

[SPOILER ALERT: JESSE JAMES DIES IN "THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORD"]

Unlike many people in Los Angeles, Cissy and I are really "into" movies. We've (I've) had a lot of great moments at the theater-- me kicking my car keys underneath the seat in front of me (and not doing anything because I thought it was just a hair clip), me crying at two previews in a row, me crying at Morgan Freeman, and me spilling a full baggie of my Famous BananaChip-and-Almond Trail Mix into my own filthy purse (that combo of foods is disgusting, btw).

However, we recently ventured outside of the safety and comfort of the $37-a-ticket Grove Theater and tried out the Arclight. After we parked the car in the lot, walked a block, turned left, walked a block, turned left again, and walked another block, we realized that we were not only standing at the entrance of the Arclight, but were about 20 feet from our car. Apparently parking lots have more than one exit. And more so apparent was the fact that Arclight ONLY has exits. The front doors were locked, and just before we turned back to the car (the long way), we realized that the real entrance was around the other side. All this turning made me confused and wheezy.

So the Arclight is fancy. It's no United Artists Bethesda, and couldn't even come close in grandeur to that old Tenley Town theater that was next to the Swensens on Wisconsin. But it's pretty nice. The Arclight has assigned seating. I didn't want to be awkward, so I reluctantly chose the seat next to Cissy. She was standing right there, what could I do? We resisted caramel popcorn and went straight to our Jesse James seats (seats for viewing the new Jesse James movie, not some cool western-themed movie chairs). A man came out and talked to us, in person, about the movie. He told us to silence our phones, and that Brad Pitt and Casey Affleck were the stars of the movie we were about to see. Well hot damn!! He then assured us that another usher would be present for the first 30 minutes to ensure that sound and picture quality were "up to Arclight standard." As a girl who once got up in a DiCaprio-and-Estrogen double-fueled homicidal fit and told the manager straight up that the sound was off during the opening credits of "Titanic," I found this comforting. The whole experience was very nice, especially the mexican food we had afterwards.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

What do Wes Anderson and National Geographic have in Common?

They both hired Alec Baldwin to do narration work.


Alternate Title: The Baldwin Comeback
?


I believe we have a bonafied Baldwin comeback on our hands. Then again have the Baldwins really been missing? Lately I have had Baldwin overload, in the last 48 hours I feel like majority of what I have watched has had a Baldwin starring, co -starring, or narrating.
Like I said before I have been watching a lot of television and movies. When you watch as much as I do now, you know that 3 out of 4 Baldwin brothers have been seeing major face time recently. Anyway, the 4th brother doesn't count because, lets be honest, he was only ever famous for having famous brothers. Alec Baldwin can be seen on 30 Rock, and various gossip sites for calling his ex-wife and daughter a variety of harsh names, and his younger brother William (Billy) Baldwin (of Backdraft fame) is on the new ABC show "Dirty Sexy Money," and Stephen Baldwin absolutely has some major films coming out. One might immediately think...BALDWIN COMEBACK! I know I did....but then I realized, hasn't a Baldwin always been a staple, sometimes unexpectedly?


Now its a lot easier to identify a Baldwins face then their voices. They all look very similar with there impossibly dark hair, mysterious grins, and blue slanty eyes nestled below thick, almost, Peter Gallagheresque eyebrows. However, if you listen closely you will hear a Baldwin in the most obscure places. Just tonight as Julia and I were watching Planet Carnivore on National Geographic (yes, that's right, we watch Planet Carnivore on Saturday nights if we want.) I kept getting distracted from the thrashing sharks by the husky voice that explained their eating habits. Instead of processing the information and improving my knowledge of sharks and other sea life they come into contact with I couldn't help but think of the opening scene of the Wes Anderson directed, The Royal Tenenbaums. Watching the birds on National Geographic swooping low over the ocean, barely above the sharks, I kept picturing Mordecai, faithful hawk belonging to Richie soaring above the Tenenbaum home to "Hey Jude" with Alec Baldwin as the narrator describing the family. I instantly thought "I KNOW THAT VOICE!" It was the narrator, it was Jack on 30 Rock making fun of Tina Fey, it was eerily similar to the voices of main characters in "Dirty Sexy Money", "Three of Hearts" and "Threesome"....it was Alec Baldwin!

Clearly Alec is the most famous of the Baldwins and is working the most these days, however, let us not count out that aside from once being the star of the second "sex" movie I ever watched ("Threesome"...natch) brother Stephen can be found starring in "The Flyboys" and "Sharks in Venice." Two films, I will admit I haven't gotten the chance to watch yet, but they just scream artistic integrity and they are at the top of my que. Brother Billy once star of the first and I think third "sex" movie I ever watched ("Backdraft " and "Three of Hearts"...respectively) will also soon be seen in the upcoming film "Sakura: The Blue Eyed Samurai" Now I dont know about you but when I hear that title I immediately picture blue eyed, dark haired, mysterious, sexy slanty eyed, Billy.

So to end this I Salute the Baldwins, and let us always remember the knowledge we gained from watching or hearing them. They truly are members of my personal television and movie "old guard."

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Maybe My Mom Was Right

Growing up I was not allowed to watch television. I know, the humanity. As a child I really didn't know any different. I went to an all girls Catholic school so we wore uniforms. No body wore trendy clothes such as t-shirts featuring the boys from "New Kids on the Block" a band I only became familiar with in high school. I never really worried about not being able to watch t.v. Sometimes I would go over to my friend Bo's house and we would watch MacGuyver and then play MacGuyver in the back yard as soon as it was over. I wasn't aware growing up of all the television gold I was missing.

It is now that I am an adult that I am starting to realize how in the dark I am when it comes to pop culture from the 80s and 90s. I am the last person you want on your team playing trivial pursuit or catchphrase when the question pertains to anything entertainment related. During a recent game of catchphrase my clue was "Fraggle Rock" I was completely lost. However, if it is a question about books I'm the first to shout out an answer. Reading was my television, and I was a feign. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but when you read as much as I did you become quite good at it. I could put away books by Lois Lowry, Roald Dahl, Judy Blume, Edward Eager, Norton Juster, and a handful of others in just a couple of days as a kid, and now as an adult I often used to find myself reading a book in just a couple of hours if I had the free time.

Our first month out here Julia and I didn't have a television because it was coming in my car which I shipped from DC and ended up being a month late. Finally it arrived and now we have cable.
I am officially addicted. There is so much television out there I can barely tear myself away. I record everything and anything. From cooking shows, to comedy shows, to old sitcoms that ended before I was born.
I recently watched "Whose the Boss?" for the first time, and spent about 15 minutes grilling Julia on the details of the show. "You mean she hired a MALE MAID?!" "HOW SOON DO THE KIDS START HOOKING UP WITH EACH OTHER?" I shouted over the cheesy opening credits. I have no concept of a family sitcom because most of the shows I watch are recent ones where the entire story line revolves around drug using, sexually mature, corrupted youth.
I'm somewhat used to watching network television but cable is a whole new world to me. I cant put down the remote. I mastered it in under a day, I can page through hundreds of channels in seconds, if I even chose to watch something I haven't pre-recorded or isn't "On Demand". My vocabulary as entirely changed. I now know what "page up and page down" mean, what DVR, and On Demand mean. I had absolutely no regret when we go our cable bill and I realized I was spending more on cable that month then groceries.

I used to fall asleep like this:



Now I fall asleep to this:

Best Unintentional Vanity Plate Ever (courtesy of Nate Luce)

"TOO RADICAL FOR YOU!"

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Monday, October 1, 2007

Dear Diary

Every day is Halloween if you are a transvestite.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Craigslist Job Option #2

Personal Assistant, Driver, "Girl Friday"


Reply to: job-430350818@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-09-23, 8:02PM PDT


I am looking for a qualified person to act as both my personal assistant and driver. I am the President/Owner of a large manfacturing company. Your duties would include driving me to appointments, meetings with vendors, meetings with customers, etc. The vehicle you would drive is known as a Mercedes LandJet, which is a custom made office on wheels. It is not a limosine, but like a long Escalade. You would need a standard California drivers license, and have a very good driving record. You should be able to multi task, as driving would be part of your work. Basic office and verbal skills are important. On occassion you would be meeting customers and clients, in lunch or dinner settings. Your appearance and social polish are important. I am a high energy, Type A person, and am looking for a assistant who works well with my personality. It is best if you are a early riser, morning person, as I have zero tolerance for late people. Only non-smokers need apply. I am looking for somebody who is confident, high energy and a positive person. Please apply with resume,a description of yourself, and a recent picture. I would like to fill this position in the next two weeks, and you would be able to start by October 1st.

Craigslist Job Option #1

Topless Female Cyclist wanted for Music Video! models/actresses!


Reply to: job-431866851@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-09-25, 11:44AM PDT


Topless Female Cyclist wanted for Music Video:

-must be between 18 & 25
-Natural Breasts a PLUS not a must
-must have a Pretty Face

MOST IMPORTANTLY-

MUST BE ABLE TO RIDE A BICYCLE.. also must be comfortable and confident while topless!

THIS IS AN EXTREMELY TASTFUL SCENE! NOT SLEAZY! NOT PORN!

1 Day of shooting between Oct 3rd-7th.

SERIOUS REPLIES ONLY PLEASE! ATTACH PICTURES AND/OR ZED CARD!

Monday, September 24, 2007

Nate Came to Visit this Weekend

Nate and my dad can't believe how nicely those flowers brighten up the kitchen!!

Nate ruins a beautifully angsty/edgy picture (Jones, Friday)

Hip feet at Jones (Friday)

"EL VINO DID FLOW!!!!" (Matt, Caroline, and Cis; Cobras and Matadors)

Cissy poses with a cardboard cut-out of Nate Luce


I'm Nate's best guy friend!

Friday, September 21, 2007

Dear Diary

Adopting a dog is a lot different then adopting a kid.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Commercial Quote of the Day


"When you turn on your car...does it return the favor?"
-Cadillac

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

"Kids Nation" Contract is Thicker then the Futon Mattress We Couldnt Afford


If someone asks me what I "do" I say babysitter. I would love to be able to say improviser, or photographer of whatever activity I happen to feel like doing that day. For now though, my job, my main responsibility, is taking care of kids. I love my job, its fun, not a gruelling 9-5 office job. I still get to be creative, and influential, and create memories. And I get to go home at the end of my day. I basically get the best part of parenting. Sure, I'm missing out on the fact that eventually jobs end and children are forever, but its still pretty great. Now that I have presented my job, and that I enjoy it, and that its a large enough part of my life that I feel confident commenting on current issues involving today's children. I would like to bring up something weighing heavily on my mind: Kid Nation.

Kid Nation, for those of you who don't know is a television show on CBS where 40 children ranging in age from 8 to 15 attempt to create a functioning society on a set built in Santa Fe. Filmed during the summer; the children even go so far to create a government system with little to no adult supervision. The compete on teams participating in various physical tasks. These tasks determine weather they receive gifts such as more then one outhouse, or a television set. I watched part of this show tonight and my first thought is that these kids parents must be massive gambling addicts. And at this point that are gambling with their child's emotional and physical well being.

As I was watching these children trying to create a functioning society, something real adults are still trying to do; I would occasionally catch myself dissing certain kids in my head. "Oh really blue team kid with weird shorts, your hands are tired? well you just bought yourself double overtime cooking chicken nuggets" or when they cut to a certain 10 year old girl crying at night in her sleeping bag I first thought "Oh come on, you're fine, your mom will be there when you get out, just go to sleep and think about tomorrow when you get to compete in scorching heat again in order to win the chance to take a break for 5 minutes and actually enjoy being a kid" Then I remembered all the times I cried at camp and missed everyone and thing from my mom to the random stuffed animal I never thought twice about at home but suddenly deeply regretted not packing as an essential item for outdoor camping. When I was homesick I would cry and other girls would cry and we would all comfort each other and our counselor would tell us stories and makes us giggle and we got to ride this emotional roller coaster all in the comfort and safety of our dark tent. Not a sound stage with multiple recording devises showcasing my emotional snorting and slobbery confessions of sleeping with the lights on.

The parents of these children are gambling with their kids emotions because this could either be a great experience for their kids or a horrible one. I cant imagine if the entire world could see me as a goofy 7 year old at camp who says my name is "thisthy." CBS is quite aware that this could end up being a situation ripe for a scandalous law suit. So much so in fact that they had each parents or guardian of the precipitating kids sign a massive liability contract. The contract basically states that the parents/guardians cannot sue the network or its affiliates if their child dies, is injured, or contracts a sexually transmitted disease. A case jut waiting to be tried by a certain member of Manhattan Law. This says a lot about how the notion of "childhood" is slowly disappearing that it is a valid concern that a group of kids ages 8-15 might pass around an STD. This is more then just the cell phones, UGGs, miniskirts, and generally just smaller versions of adult clothing we see on most of today's youths at outings to their local shopping malls. Now I'm not saying that the camp I went to did have boys and girls sneaking out together and being in relationships and sharing first kisses, and maybe even more. However, I can say for a fact that my mother would NEVER have signed a contract stating that not only was she aware of this as a possible problem but she was so desperate for me to go to camp she would sign our rights away.

I'm so conflicted because on one hand I have this blog post which blasts this show. Which I do think is ridiculous, but at the same time its so ridiculous its hard for me not to say, watch this show.

The REAL Tradgedies FOX News WONT Tell You About

Spring Break. We all know and love Spring Break. Weather you spend it at home vegging out or take a cool trip, it is an excellent break. Perfect for making the long stretch between Christmas and Summer seem just a little bit shorter. It is Springs official holiday. But what happens when everyones favorite holiday, goes just a little too far?

This is an issue even the trashiest of news stations isn't addressing. They are more concerned with the environment, politics, violence, and of course, celebrities. But what about the normal everyday people? People who are not living below the poverty line, and are not overly concerned about driving an SVU. People who have never run for office then subsequently become part of major scandal by lying, cheating, or lying about being a raging homosexual. These people are are good people, majority of the year. They are not sinners or saints, but rather a quite entertaining and heartfelt mix of the two. These people however, are taking Spring Break just a little too far. They go on vacation, have a blast and then one to two weeks later they are back to the daily grind. Or are they?

All of a sudden a casual weekday beer becomes 2-27 weekday beers. A cocktail party becomes a cockshow rave. There is no hesitation when it comes to getting completely out of hand at friends parents house, among distinguished adults. A margarita on the weekend becomes two pitchers and a series of ridiculous photographs....
These are real people. I know them, you know them. Yet this phenomenon goes largely unnoticed.

I urge you, pay attention to this issue. Read the books, go to the fund raisers. GET INVOLVED PEOPLE! Make signs and attend local protests. Perhaps become the vice president then when no longer in office make a stirring documentary about the issue. Most of all, just care.
If you or a loved one is suffering from this issue currently sweeping about 7% of the nation please send photographic evidence to me and I PROMISE I will call attention to your plight.


The Lipstick Episode Explained


This picture was taken the night of The Right Now! Show taping, and is NOT a joke. You see, I like those little wanna-be-Juicy-Tube lip glosses from L'Oreal. I have them in three colors-- very very light pink, very very light gold, and deep deep matte purple/brown. The latter is used only for fancy occasions-- one drop of it mixed with clear gloss lasts all night.

Anyway, all three of these tubes were in my purse the night of the taping. The studio was very dark, and I couldn't tell which tube was which, nor did I care to look. So, there I am sitting in front of David Cross, in a studio with dozens of cameras, smathering on my purple lipstick like it was one of it's super-subtle pink brothers. There is pigment all over my face.

And Cissy says nothing.

All the lights come on and we all file out of the studio. PA's, actors, hipsters with swoopy bangs, David Cross, Bob Odenkirk. We're all together in this small, bright space, looking at one another, trying to make good impressions.

And Cissy says nothing.

So we leave the commotion and start walking down a quiet isolated street. We are both happy about the evening. Then I say something snide to Cissy, and she replies: "Oh really? LIPSTICK??!" And then the picture was taken.

Was this a really girly entry? I feel like the guys won't get it/care...

Cissy and I Assembled a Futon Last Night and we Really Don't Want to Talk About It

Sunday, September 16, 2007

You are cordially invited to a Blow Out Bash at Air Buds "Pad"

Air Bud throws the most ridiculous parties, anyone who is anyone in California knows that.
His parties often leave his place on the beach trashed with leftover gnawed bones, empty bottles of "Bud Light" and tons of smudged mirrors...
Air Bud is pretty straight edge, but he has a pretty out of control entourage. His main dog is Bandit

If Air Bud Had a Condo in Manhattan Beach...


...It would be really messy. And it wouldn't have any furniture. His front door would be a big doggie door. If Air Bud (or any golden retriever) lived alone, it would be disgusting. No food, no clothes, no toilet paper, nobody to reach the sink.

Just when Air Bud is about to face eviction, a wacky entertainment-exec cat moves in next door and teaches him how to dress cool and "make a splash" with the other dogs. Presenting, "Manhattan Air," a refreshing, fun-filled series coming next fall.

Permission to Approach the Beach

Not having jobs Julia and I have had the pleasure of spending many a leisurely day at the beach. Our favorite beach so far is Manhattan Beach, the first place we went after landing at LAX. We parked our Mitchukekikeee in a small lot close to the beach and decided to spend our first afternoon in California walking along the beach. Before we even hit the beach though I noticed another set of waves. Neon blue waves to be exact. Right in front of us was a sign that read MANHATTAN LAW. With the neon waves separating the Manhattan from the Law. Symbolic? I think so. We immediately fell in love with this sign and an idea was born for the greatest television show in the world.
Opening credits would include but not be limited to still shots of "lawyers" in blazers and board shorts opening brief cases filled with sand and water. A piece of paper would probably fall out as well leading people to think it might be an important law document but it turns out to only be a receipt to Sharky's. Board meetings take place at El Tarasco and the Judges bench is made out of conch shells.
Popular lines on the show would include but not limited to:
"Permission to Approach the Beach" (Courtesy of Nate Luce)
"Take the Bar, Hit the Bar"
"Surfin' and Servn'"
"Hang 12.....Jurors"
"I plead Not Bogus, Your Honor"
"No Shirts, No Briefs, No Problem"
"Law Suit in a Wet Suit"

One afternoon while working on our tans, Julia and I spotted our first perfect cast member for Manhattan Law. A blond girl in a tiny pink bikini reading an LSAT for dummies book and visibly drunk.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Caveat

I just got off the phone with my good friend Dan Hodapp. Dan and I used to be in the improv troupe, Caveat. Caveat was the first troupe I was in with Washington Improv Theater. WIT just started its new run of shows and if you live in the DC, MD, or VA area I encourage you to go see a show, especially if it is Caveat.
I had the pleasure of spending my last weekend on the East Coast in Toronto, Canada for there annual improv festival. We road tripped up there, stayed in a hostel, and had an absolute blast.
Read the full article on our Toronto tip here.

I miss Caveat greatly. Dan, Natasha, Justin, Anne, Joe, and Danny Mac. You mean the world to me and I miss you a ton.

Friday, September 14, 2007

I'll Make My Own Decisions, Thank You Very Much

One thing about living in LA, we now have access to all the places you read about in magazines and on websites. The same stores, restaurants, and outdoor space that you constantly see celebrities and hipsters frequenting on the glossy pages or computer monitors. Not being the type of girls to pass up a good celebrity sighting (see below posts...) Julia and I made it our personal goals (getting jobs are overrated) to visit some of the top popular places in LA.

Sight One: Pinkberry
From the Pinkberry Wikipedia entry "The tart, frozen dessert has a groupie-like following who sometimes refer to it as 'Crackberry'"
Now I'll be the first to admit that I have never tried crack before so I cant make the comparison but I can say maybe being on crack is what it takes to love this place so much. Don't get me wrong I didn't hate it. I actually kind of enjoyed it, its good. Its frozen yogurt with your choice of toppings. I just don't understand the blatant obsession it is for most people. Personally I rather get my brain freeze from the Sugar Free, 15 calories a pop, Popsicles I keep stocked in our freezer at home.


Sight Two: In N Out Burger
First of all, I will NOT, be making any obvious jokes based on the title. So if you are into that sort of crude humor you can go read Adelaide's cooking blog. On a hungover Sunday Julia and I decided it would be the perfect opportunity to try In N Out burger. A favorite amongst those who eat in LA and the place Paris Hilton was going to when arrested for drunk driving. Now I don't want to be an LA buzz kill, because its awesome out here, my issue is with these places with cult like followings. It was an OK burger with mediocre at best fries...and I was hungover. The perfect state to be in while eating this sort of food. Maybe I'm just an East Coast kid at heart but Ill take Five Guys over In N Out any day.

Sight Three: Runyon Canyon
LA might seem like a playground for intense shopping, hip eateries, and the home of A, B, C, and D list celebrities. But its not all superficial. There are beautiful mountains our here, the perfect place for trendy hiking and an unobtrusive view of said celebrities. Julia and I had the pleasure of spending our first hike going up the hardest trail with a friend of Julia's, Isabelle. Many times during the half hour ascent I contemplated throwing myself down the mountain just to spite Julia and Isabelle for leading me up there in the first place. However, when I wasn't contemplating suicide I was marveling at the insane views of the city. Before I knew it we were at the top (literally the top of the mountain) when I wasn't feeling overly proud of myself I was wondering out loud to Julia why we didn't live in one of the million apartment buildings down below with swimming pool roofs. The Hollywood Hills are gorgeous. Cool, quirky, houses built right into the mountains. Being the intense voyeur that I am it was fun to "house watch" and catch a glimpse into "mountain living" LA style. This was the one place that is truly worth the hype.

Sight Four: The Scientology Celebrity Center
WORTH IT!!! There are no words. Please join Julia and I in our celebration of our new lives at our Scientology Confirmation, September 31st, 2007.