Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Les Deux and the Introduction of OPALC

It finally happened, this past Saturday night Julia and I went to a "hot" Hollywood club. This is something we never do, for a couple of reasons. 1)They suck. 2)They wont let us in anyway. However, this weekend was a special occasion with VIP out of town guests (Julia's lovely sister Margaret and her awesome boyfriend Teddy) and away we went to Les Deux. The night began with us stumbling on to a large parking lot connected to what appears to be a family home.
Yes, this is Les Deux (daylight shot for added effect...). There was most certainly a moment when all three of us stood looking up thinking, really, this is one of the "hottest" clubs in Hollywood? Certainly proves that in a town where looks are the only thing that matters no one ever intended that sentiment for the exterior of their clubs. Imagine my disappointment that this was the place that caused me to have a minor meltdown directed at Julia trying to find a suitable outfit. However disappointed we were we eventually got used to it after standing outside for far too long. I guess by Hollywood standards we were not in line for that long since lets be honest everyone was probably at Crowne or Villa anyway but it still felt like forever for us. It probably didn't help that when the bouncer came up to me asking where my friend went (Julia was on the phone trying to organize us getting in the back door since M & T were already inside) I replied with "oh, um on the phone? none of us really want to be here, its a family thing...know what I mean?" He didn't.

Thanks to Teddy we were able to enter through the back door. During our short walk down the back hallway I felt what it must be like to be a celebrity, then I quickly felt like a douche for thinking that way. Until we reached the main patio and then I realized that my mild douchiness was nothing compared to the throngs of OPALC surrounding us, the DJ booth and the VIP sofa areas. For those not familiar with OPALC, it stands for Ordinary People Acting Like Celebrities. Now there are certainly different ways of acting like a celebrity. Just being weird and on drugs and snobby within your private couch area I don't mind, it does not affect me in the slightest. Its the OPALC who decide that they will get pushy and disregard any sort of normal respectful behavior that blow my mind.

Example 1- I was standing, holding my beer with my elbow bent at a normal 90 degree angle when a women walked by me, stopped, and immediately started loudly berating me for "elbowing her in the stomach." This woman felt she was so important that we should all stand like peg people with our arms flat at our sides in case she happened to walk by, much too closely.

Example 2- A sleezy bouncer type "security" guy (not good enough for the main door he just had to work the patio) squeezed by Julia, and instead of asking her to move he decided to scoot her out of the way by placing his hand far far too close to her butt. Julia immediately turned around and said "Excuse me, please don't touch me" and this absolute creep who looked like he could barely run a lap around the bar looks at her and says "why would I want to touch you?!" (writers note- he should be so lucky!!!) Now, this guy is supposed to be "security" which in any normal establishment means keeping the peace and stepping in if things get out of hand, but this guy had it backwards and decided that since he worked at a hot Hollywood club he was somehow above his job title and now his job was to just try and start fights. He stood on the outskirts of our little circle eyeing us for a while and at one point came back over to demand "EVERYTHING COOL HERE DOG?!" to whom he was speaking we have no idea, however, we all mutually answered "yes....are you... ok?"

All this being said, Les Deux has a great set up. Plus Julia got to post the Facebook status message she "had been waiting for two years to post- At. Les. Deux." Here is a picture of the back patio where we were. Yes they use the same decorator as my Dad's law office in case anyone was wondering.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Coming Soon to a Dealership Near You

2 years ago, Julia, myself, Natasha Rothwell, and Justin Purvis all took a road trip up to NY for the Del Close Marathon. The weekend was a blast, the car ride, however, was even blastier. Yes, thats a word. Says who? Says me.
Taking a break from the normal car games used to distract from a 4 hour drive we came up with a new car game, a dirty car game, called Dirty Car Names(don't even ASK where we came up with that title...). Here are the results:

Chevy Tail Blazer
Dodge 4 on 4
Nissan CliMaxima
Chevy Malibu-ty
Sex Toy-ota
Shower Cam-ry
(Ass) Wrangler
Chevy Tahoe-bag
Pink Taco-ma
Honda Cervix
Ford Pocus
Ford Musty-tang
Toyota Whore Runner

Monday, June 23, 2008

Who Needs the Radio Star Anyway?

Here are two videos I'm in, the first written by myself, Julia, Becky Feldman, and Nate Luce. The second written by Patrick Gantz and Jason Saenz. Here are the links.


Thursday, May 29, 2008

First World Problems

I was introduced to "first world problems" by the lovely Nell Constantinople. She told Julia and I that the idea behind the first world problem is that it is something you seriously complain about and find annoying that in comparison to the rest of the world (or just third world problems) is the last thing you should worry about. Here are some of my favorite examples of first world problems.

Chipped nail after a mani/pedi
Swimmers Ear
A dead orchid
Bad Haircut
Paper Cut
"not in stock"
Hat Hair
A scratched DVD
Expensive headshots (for actors/actresses/real estate agents?)
Lousy work coffee
beach traffic
Bad cell service
Waiting at a restaurant
Lame fireworks
A flat tire...on your bike
Mismatched bikini

My friends Kristin and Joe were kind enough to contribute to today's post, but please please please leave your favorite "first world problems" in the comments.

From Kristin:
I left my moisturizer in Los Angeles (she lives in DC)
The Sex and the City time slot I wanted was sold out on Fandango
My monogrammed hand towel fell in the toilet
My straw doesn't reach the bottom of my smoothie.
Wearing a bathing suit when I forget to do laundry

From Joe:
Business Travel
Business Drunk
Tennis Elbow
Dorito Finger
Computer Virus
Convertible Hair
Over Conditioning
Conflicting Invitations
Bad Highlights
Slicing(in golf)

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Live-Blogging the 1PM Showing of Roseanne

Live-Blogging. Basically what this means is the writer blogs an event in current time. Make sense? Here is an example it's 12:49 PM right now so if I were live-blogging my life I would put
12:49PM: I'm live-bogging about live-blogging, my brain just exploded.
12:50PM: I need to go to the hospital, I wish Julia was home.

All the time now I see bloggers live-blogging something, either the Oscars, or the Superbowl (just kidding, I do NOT read sports blogs) or some movie premier. Pretty much any big occasion. So I decided I wanted to live blog something. However, since its 12:52 PM on a Weds my options are pretty limited. I have decided to live-blog the 1PM showing of Roseanne on Oxygen. Well known fact about me, I wasn't allowed to watch T.V growing up, especially Roseanne. So this might be the 3rd time I have watched the show, ever. So get ready world, here comes my live-blog of Roseanne. Here is the synopsis my cable gave me to get ready:
"Secrets", Dan pays dearly for keeping a secret from Becky and Roseanne about Mark's drunken evening at the Lobo Lounge.
12:55 PM: I'm about to start watching Roseanne. I know I'm about to learn a lot, like who Mark is and what the big deal is about having a "drunken evening" at a place called the Lobo Lounge. If I went to the Lobo Lounge I would get drunk too.

12:57PM: The show hasn't started yet, but after two minutes of thinking I'm already on Mark's side...I hope I don't eat my words. ooooooooooooo!

12:59PM: Ahhhh it started a minute early, I have butterflies!!

1:00PM: Roseanne does not trust her kids to babysit Crystals baby! And she also apparently doesn't trust Crystals husband with the baby either. Is this a joke? Or are these people really irresponsible??

1:01PM: I think its Roseanne's sister, the one from Scream. Well she just confused their childhood with a Little Rascals episode. Roseanne made fun of her for it, I'm guessing this is going to be a recurring theme.

1:02PM: cue credits. This show is so REAL. Becky is the only attractive person I have seen so far. If any of these people auditioned in 2008, they would not be cast.

1:03PM: *Commercial Break Thoughts* Ok Julia has called this show one of the best shows ever, and says she could still watch it without being cynical. So far I like it, Roseanne is super sassy, and kind of mean. Mostly to her kids so far, but I bet the meaness will spread as the episode goes on.

1:05PM; Its back! We are now at the Lobo Lounge. This place does not look like a Lounge, more like an American Legion meets a Rec Hall diner. Its Roseanne and the ladies sitting around. Its actually a lot like Sex and the City minus the money, and the clothes, and the city.

1:07PM: Its still kind of sexy, and Roseanne just tried to get everyones tab covered by saying they all found flies in their beers. For some reason it didn't work, but I think we all got a good laugh, and a new trick for getting out of beers

1:08PM: One of the women is wearing a drawstring jean coat.

1:09PM: Roseanne just said, and I quote "That don't do me no good" no wonder my mom didn't let me watch this.

1:09PM: Tom Arnold is on this show. I didn't know that. Now its the guys turn to bitch, they are playing poker. They let the guy who just lost his job win a lot, Tom Arnold does not realize they are doing this. He seems dumb.

1:10PM: I know everyone says Seinfeld is about nothing, but after 10 minutes I'm starting to think Roseanne is about nothing too.

1:11: Mark is drunk at the LOBO, Dan Just Got A Phone Call!!! And he knew who was calling because he picked up saying their name, even though they clearly don't have caller ID...fishy.

1:12PM: Turns out Mark put his fist through the juke box at the Lobo. Also Mark is hot. And apparently dating Dan's daughter.

1:13PM: *Commercial Break* Thoughts- Marks hot, I can get into this. Dan went to pick him up and promised not to tell his daughter that Mark is drunk at the Lobo. The Lobo is the only bar that exists in this whole town. Also Roseanne was just at the Lobo, but she didn't see Mark getting drunk. If my dad had to go pick my drunk boyfriend up at the Lobo, I hope he would tell me. Mark made a rhyming joke saying "Dan, Dan, you're my man" Dan replied "Mark Mark, you puke in my truck, I'll kill you." Its funny because its true. Dan would drive a truck, and he probably would kill that guy.

1:16PM: OH NO! The guys playing poker in the house lied to Becky and Darlene about where Dan went, they said he went for pizza, they asked for pizza, and Dan lied and said he went to his shop, now thats two lies! Let the episode begin!!!

1:17PM: OH NO! Now Dan is telling the guys not to tell Roseanne either, commence multiple jokes by the guys about how/why they lie to their wives.

1:18PM: Here we go, Roseanne and Dan are in bed, Roseanne is asking a lot of questions about why Dan had to go to the shop. He is lying alllllll over the place. Something tells me by the end of this episode Roseanne will know he is lying.

1:21PM; Mark and Dan have a heart to heart at the shop the next morning about how Mark owes Dan, and Mark is really thankful Dan didn't tell his daughter about how drunk Mark got at the Lobo. Dan is going off on Mark. Good, he deserves it.

1:22PM: OH SHIT! Turns out Roseanne didn't know Mark was drunk at the Lobo, and now her sister just spilled the beans!!

1:24PM: Dan is home. Becky just left with Mark for the movies. Roseanne knows Dan lied about Mark being drunk at the Lobo. Roseanne is catching Dan in all sorts of lies right now. She is calling him out!!

1:25PM; Dan is lying and drinking a beer. The beer can looks tiny. Like a mini beer can, Dan is HUGE.

1:26PM: Show over. Really? I don't think anything got resolved...or maybe it did, and I was too busy thinking about how tiny the beer can that Dan is drinking looks.

Final Thoughts: First and foremost, live-blogging is really hard!!! Second, this show was funny, but nothing happened. Maybe thats why live-blogging it was so hard. There were like 5,000 characters, and I had no idea who any of them were. I wanted more Becky/Mark action and less Roseanne busting everyone's chops. Although I do like Dan a lot. As far as the synopsis goes though I'm not quite sure "Dan pays dearly" more like he lost out on some change.

Next week, Full House!!

Dear Diary

I didn't floss this weekend since it was Memorial Day. I know, I know its Wednesday but still, why cant I Memorial it up for a couple extra days?!?!?! Don't be so selfish, Diary. Anyway I flossed today and it reaked of old people. Like super old people attic full of old people clothes.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Overcompensate: verb- to take excessive measures in attemp to make ammends for an error, weakness, or problem

I was walking the other day with the baby in the baby bjorn by the Farmers Market when I was approached by a man, wearing a fedora like hat, and looking like most other LA hipsters, he looks to be in his mid 30's at least. Here is how our interaction played out.
Man:You speak English?
Me: Yes.
*Initial thoughts: he looks fairly normal. Probably needs directions. I will continue to stand here.

Man: Listen, I'm not homeless. I'm a student at UCLA, I need to take the bus to Santa Monica. Can I have some money? There's the Farmers Market, I'm not homeless. I need to take the bus. Money? I have school. Listen, I'm not homeless. Santa Monica, Farmers Market. I'm not homeless. UCLA, I'm not homeless. You have a baby. Hey Baby, I'm not homeless. ***Cut to 3 minutes later*** Bus, Farmers Market, UCLA, Not Homeless. Baby. Not Homeless. Money. Not Homeless.
Me: ....(walk away shaking my head shielding the baby)
*Initial Thoughts: This guy is definitely homeless.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Heat 2: Godfather vs. Casino

Nate and I were walking to Best Buy yesterday and while we were passing the Target I spotted Al Pacino leaving with his son. I immediately started saying frantically "Nate, Al Pacino, Al Pacino, Al Pacino" Nate takes one look at him and says "Wow...He looks like every movie he has ever been in." Al Pacino has a movie coming out soon with Robert Deniro that one of our friends is editing, we keep forgetting the title so we decided from now on we will refer to it as Heat 2: Godfather vs. Casino.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Only in LA

Walking down Fairfax today with the baby, I saw a homeless woman with highlights. 

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Hey Gérard Depardieu! Where Are You?

Yesterday morning I started a book called "The Luxe". This book is pretty much "Gossip Girl" except it is set in 1890. I know, awesome. For those of you not familiar with either of these series of books, they are a quick read about rich kids and those who work for them in NY. "Gossip Girl" is set in the present and was recently turned into one of my favorite T.V shows on the CW. Want me to get real honest now? When the writers strike first happened Julia and I were more sad to see "Gossip Girl" go then "The Office." Whatever, don't judge me, just know that my fingers are crossed that "The Luxe" will become a T.V show soon. Also for the record I have never read "Gossip Girl." The show, and these books are pretty ridiculous, and very sexy.

I wasn't allowed to watch television growing up, except for PBS. I could, however, watch movies on the weekend. So just because I missed out on all the sexiness on T.V doesn't mean I didn't find it on my own in movies. Although was T.V sexy when we were growing up? Now watching re-runs of Saved by the Bell and Three's Company, I think not. Although I did catch an episode of Degrassi: Junior High once, and they seemed pretty sexy to me. I had my favorite movies growing up, and they were broken up into two types, sexy or funny. Some movies could be both, which was rare, but awesome. And a lot of the movies I thought were super sexy as a kid, when I look back on them I realize, more often then not they included some kissing, and a fuzzy fade out shot of some serious canoodling. The allusion of sex was enough for me. I decided to come up with a list.
Top 6 Sexy Movies I Watched as a Kid:
1) Green Card- Apparently I thought Gerard Depardieu and Andie MacDowell finally realizing, its not just about the Green Card, really sexy. I think they only had some intense make out scenes. This movie is slightly funny, but not really.
2)Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend - It took some searching to find this on IMDB, some trivia about it is that "it no longer warrants an R rating" I have no idea why we owned this on VHS when I was younger, but its about a couple who find a baby dinosaur and at some point in the movie they get it on in their tent, well at least they lead you to believe they do. This movie is not funny, its really sad. I watched again and again anyway, for the tent scene.
3)Aspen Extreme- The tag line reads "Two friends looking for adventure discover extreme skiing, wealth, and seduction" So sexy. This has been my favorite movie since I was 12. This movie is also extremely funny.
4)Immortal Beloved - This movie is about Beethoven and his one true love. Gary Oldman stars and basically sleeps with everyone. My parents LOVE classical music, and I passed this one off like it was a history lesson. This movie isn't funny per se, just awesome, then, and now.
5)Youngblood- Rob Lowe getting sexy in the 80's. This is a hockey movie so my parents gave it to my sister and me because we played ice hockey growing up, they had NO idea how sexy it was. Tons of bad language, a team full of guys sleeping around, and Miss.McGill (Mrs.Robertson doesn't even begin to compare to Miss McGill) Major hat trick.
6)Backdraft- They have sex on top of a firetruck, enough said.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Dear Diary

Top 5 Things I Am Good At:
1)Making Grilled Cheese
2)Forgetting Shit
3)Making Trouser Jeans into Shorts
4)Recognizing a Young Denise Richards in Saved by the Bell Episodes
5)Coming up with Cool Smoking Poses

Friday, February 1, 2008

"This Orchid is REALLY Bonding with You, Man"

Cissy and I wanted house plants, so we went to the plant store. There was a very fragrant and beautiful orchid that caught Cissy's eye.
"Isn't she a beauty? It comes form Brazil..." said the far-out Chief Orman-esque* plant store manager. Cissy announces that she too is Brazilian and that she enjoys the smell of the orchid.
"I can tell.. that orchid is REALLY bonding with you, man." A quick transaction later and the plant belongs to Cissy. One day later, the plant--and, subsequently, the bond--is dead.

So, we're just getting used to California Far-Out speak. While it's attractive and persuasive at the beginning, it tends to be a little off the mark. I was recently told to take some supplements and vitamins for my strep throat to de-toxify the virus. It sounded good, but so did Penicillin. So next time someone tries to sell us something based on an abstract "bond"-----we'll Take It!!!!!

*Honeymoon in Vegas? Anyone?

Speaking of Celebrity Sightings....

I'm sure you've all heard that River Phoenix's kid brother, Dustin, is hitting up the LA scene like it's 1995. Well, Cissy and I had the pleasure of running into him the other night (pictured above). Allow me to set the record straight: Dustin is a really down-to-earth, nice guy. His heart is as warm and puffy as his vest, and his loyalty and bond to his friends is as tight as the spandex under his jeans. So, if you see Dustin walking around LA (esp. The Grove), don't stop and stare at his edgy style... say "sup, home-slice!" instead.

The Grove=Celebrity Meeting Space

I know I haven't been posting much about celebrity sightings but they happen so often and are usually so boring I'm actually doing you a favor by leaving them out.

However, this past week has been pretty filled with sightings and meetings with people I actually care about.

MLK weekend Julia and I went to a pretty hip bar to meet up with some friends of hers and we met none other then Officer Jones (Cedric Yarbrough) from Reno 911. He was very nice, and had a very obvious infatuation with Julia. (natch)

Also this week at the Grove, where I see a celebrity pretty much every day, I saw both Chris Parnell and Tony Hale. I take the baby walking there a lot because it is connected to the Farmers Market and is a great place for people watching. Tony Hale was with his daughter and looked very much a Milford Man, and Chris Parnell was walking by himself. If I had been wearing the baby bjorn I probably would have introduced myself.

The H Word

Living in LA I have become accustomed to hearing about the latest trends and fashions and "it" people and movies, stores, restaurants, etc. My response is usually a poor imitation of Michael Bluth responding to George-Michael bringing home Anne Veal.

Juno is nominated for best picture. Really?
Scarlett Johansson is the best and most attractive young actress in Hollywood. Her?
Umbrella was the greatest song to come out in the last year. Seriously?
Miley Cyrus sold 16 Mil. in pre-sale tickets. WTF?!
Barack Obama- Fine, I said it.

I credit all of these people and things being popular because of hype and hipness. They garner so much hype that they trick you into thinking they are legit, and then they are considered hip so you feel like a weirdo who doesn't get it if you don't agree. I for one am sick of it. I thought JUNO was hacky as shit. Who speaks in one-liners so frequently besides a car salesman by day/open mic coffee shop comic by night? As for ScarJo it seems to me like she is constantly doing a bad impression of an even worse actress. It's like that's her "thing" and everyone is just saying oh my god, how amazing is it that this beautiful woman with HUGE tits who is about 4 feet tall can act like such a lame girl. Actually you know what, she is hot. I agree with that. But her skills as an actress, I will not concede to. As for Umbrella my only argument is to reference the title of the song. That is all. Oh and to write a song about galoshes and make a million bucks. As for Miley Cyrus I probably don't get it because I'm not 13 anymore. However, I will give everyone who reads this blog $1 dollar if she is not in rehab by the time she is my age. Thats right, I will shell out 8 dollars if she is not in rehab by the time she is 23.

Before I end this rant on pop culture I would like to bring to your attention one H word I actually do embrace. It's honesty. I honestly love a lot of pop culture BS. For example, The Girls Next Door, I LOVE that show. I also have been known to watch the Hills, and I owned about 5 seasons (out of about 37) of Friends back in high school and early college. Pop culture is not all bad, but I encourage you, dear readers, if you are looking for a break from it all why not just settle in, with a nice big Slanket, and watch The Wire.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Define Stalking

Facebook. Facebook is pretty ridiculous. My first memory of Facebook was my sophomore year of college. I was home for Christmas break hanging at Danielle's and she logged on to her page. I had never even heard of the site. Danielle explained what it was and my first reaction was "I would never do that." Cut to 3 years later and not only am I all over Facebook, but I am blogging about it as well. I have bosses, older relatives, and even celebrities I don't know as "friends" on Facebook. In a nutshell "everyone is doing it."

I wish there was a option on Facebook so you could look back on what your profile looked like during any given month in the past. Mine has changed probably 50 times. Now they give you the option of viewing all the Profile Pictures you or your friends have used but can you imagine if you could look back at your crushes, or your nemesis profile from 3 years ago? Jackpot. Assuming that 50% of personal Facebook use is for "stalking" I think this would be an amazing feature. I use the term stalking loosely because in actuality the information provided is fairly innocent.

People who are pissed about the News Feed baffle me. I have seen groups started titled "Shut Down the News Feed." To me that is like a celebrity gossip blogger saying on their site "We Need to Stop Talking About Britney!!!" Personally the News Feed is the reason I got back into Facebook and finally quit MySpace. I have no shame in admitting I love keeping up with what my friends and acquaintances are up to in a quick, organized, and easy to read page of info.
Please direct your thoughts to the "About Me" section on Facebook profiles. I was looking at mine about 10 mins ago (natch) and I had stated "I'm institution chic." I thought about why this was my answer, what I came up with were a whole slew of different reasons. Ranging from "I don't want to get too personal" to the simple "I think its funny" If I were to answer that question honestly it would take someone a couple weeks to read it, and even then it would probably still only show a small fraction of my life. What does Facebook really say about us that is all that personal? How many people really answer these questions in a way that when other people read them the answers reveal intensely private information? The type of info you find from real stalking, i.e rummaging through someones trash, peeking through their windows, or wearing their underwear on your head, is not found on Facebook. We reveal our favorite movies, books, etc. We give a tiny tidbit if anything that might actually apply to what we are like in life, but usually not. It is selective answering. Some of us who troll Facebook often enough like to think we can "read between the lines" so to speak and decode whatever minuscule piece of information is provided, but at the end of the day its like squeezing pulp out of a used lemon. Yes I know my crush loves the movie E.T but that says nothing about who he really is as a person. What I do get is pictures, and wall posts and comments, and not just of my crush but of that friend I met abroad, and the girl I took a class with, and my best friend from 7th grade who I barely even know now. So if knowing that they are well, and maybe even that they removed "ice cream" from their list of interests is stalking, then ok, I'm a stalker, and a horrible one at that.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Happy Birthday Julia!

Dear BG,
I wanted to send you an airplane writing in the clouds kind of message; but thanks to some ticker who gave me $1483 in car damages, I can't. I know, I know, its too late to Pauly Dangerfield, but I'm still sorry. I'm also sorry that you found a pommegran under your eyelid. I don't want to play judge and jury but its probably all the hippie snacks causing it, and your general lack of interest in your Persimmons. I hope you and Rustler have a great day down at the Pico marble pits. Don't let any bricks butt in front of you on line! If you need a ride home call me and Mikucheechi and I will come pick you up.

LaBrea Always,