Thursday, May 29, 2008

First World Problems

I was introduced to "first world problems" by the lovely Nell Constantinople. She told Julia and I that the idea behind the first world problem is that it is something you seriously complain about and find annoying that in comparison to the rest of the world (or just third world problems) is the last thing you should worry about. Here are some of my favorite examples of first world problems.

Chipped nail after a mani/pedi
Swimmers Ear
A dead orchid
Bad Haircut
Paper Cut
"not in stock"
Hat Hair
A scratched DVD
Expensive headshots (for actors/actresses/real estate agents?)
Lousy work coffee
beach traffic
Bad cell service
Waiting at a restaurant
Lame fireworks
A flat tire...on your bike
Mismatched bikini

My friends Kristin and Joe were kind enough to contribute to today's post, but please please please leave your favorite "first world problems" in the comments.

From Kristin:
I left my moisturizer in Los Angeles (she lives in DC)
The Sex and the City time slot I wanted was sold out on Fandango
My monogrammed hand towel fell in the toilet
My straw doesn't reach the bottom of my smoothie.
Wearing a bathing suit when I forget to do laundry

From Joe:
Business Travel
Business Drunk
Tennis Elbow
Dorito Finger
Computer Virus
Convertible Hair
Over Conditioning
Conflicting Invitations
Bad Highlights
Slicing(in golf)

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Live-Blogging the 1PM Showing of Roseanne

Live-Blogging. Basically what this means is the writer blogs an event in current time. Make sense? Here is an example it's 12:49 PM right now so if I were live-blogging my life I would put
12:49PM: I'm live-bogging about live-blogging, my brain just exploded.
12:50PM: I need to go to the hospital, I wish Julia was home.

All the time now I see bloggers live-blogging something, either the Oscars, or the Superbowl (just kidding, I do NOT read sports blogs) or some movie premier. Pretty much any big occasion. So I decided I wanted to live blog something. However, since its 12:52 PM on a Weds my options are pretty limited. I have decided to live-blog the 1PM showing of Roseanne on Oxygen. Well known fact about me, I wasn't allowed to watch T.V growing up, especially Roseanne. So this might be the 3rd time I have watched the show, ever. So get ready world, here comes my live-blog of Roseanne. Here is the synopsis my cable gave me to get ready:
"Secrets", Dan pays dearly for keeping a secret from Becky and Roseanne about Mark's drunken evening at the Lobo Lounge.
12:55 PM: I'm about to start watching Roseanne. I know I'm about to learn a lot, like who Mark is and what the big deal is about having a "drunken evening" at a place called the Lobo Lounge. If I went to the Lobo Lounge I would get drunk too.

12:57PM: The show hasn't started yet, but after two minutes of thinking I'm already on Mark's side...I hope I don't eat my words. ooooooooooooo!

12:59PM: Ahhhh it started a minute early, I have butterflies!!

1:00PM: Roseanne does not trust her kids to babysit Crystals baby! And she also apparently doesn't trust Crystals husband with the baby either. Is this a joke? Or are these people really irresponsible??

1:01PM: I think its Roseanne's sister, the one from Scream. Well she just confused their childhood with a Little Rascals episode. Roseanne made fun of her for it, I'm guessing this is going to be a recurring theme.

1:02PM: cue credits. This show is so REAL. Becky is the only attractive person I have seen so far. If any of these people auditioned in 2008, they would not be cast.

1:03PM: *Commercial Break Thoughts* Ok Julia has called this show one of the best shows ever, and says she could still watch it without being cynical. So far I like it, Roseanne is super sassy, and kind of mean. Mostly to her kids so far, but I bet the meaness will spread as the episode goes on.

1:05PM; Its back! We are now at the Lobo Lounge. This place does not look like a Lounge, more like an American Legion meets a Rec Hall diner. Its Roseanne and the ladies sitting around. Its actually a lot like Sex and the City minus the money, and the clothes, and the city.

1:07PM: Its still kind of sexy, and Roseanne just tried to get everyones tab covered by saying they all found flies in their beers. For some reason it didn't work, but I think we all got a good laugh, and a new trick for getting out of beers

1:08PM: One of the women is wearing a drawstring jean coat.

1:09PM: Roseanne just said, and I quote "That don't do me no good" no wonder my mom didn't let me watch this.

1:09PM: Tom Arnold is on this show. I didn't know that. Now its the guys turn to bitch, they are playing poker. They let the guy who just lost his job win a lot, Tom Arnold does not realize they are doing this. He seems dumb.

1:10PM: I know everyone says Seinfeld is about nothing, but after 10 minutes I'm starting to think Roseanne is about nothing too.

1:11: Mark is drunk at the LOBO, Dan Just Got A Phone Call!!! And he knew who was calling because he picked up saying their name, even though they clearly don't have caller ID...fishy.

1:12PM: Turns out Mark put his fist through the juke box at the Lobo. Also Mark is hot. And apparently dating Dan's daughter.

1:13PM: *Commercial Break* Thoughts- Marks hot, I can get into this. Dan went to pick him up and promised not to tell his daughter that Mark is drunk at the Lobo. The Lobo is the only bar that exists in this whole town. Also Roseanne was just at the Lobo, but she didn't see Mark getting drunk. If my dad had to go pick my drunk boyfriend up at the Lobo, I hope he would tell me. Mark made a rhyming joke saying "Dan, Dan, you're my man" Dan replied "Mark Mark, you puke in my truck, I'll kill you." Its funny because its true. Dan would drive a truck, and he probably would kill that guy.

1:16PM: OH NO! The guys playing poker in the house lied to Becky and Darlene about where Dan went, they said he went for pizza, they asked for pizza, and Dan lied and said he went to his shop, now thats two lies! Let the episode begin!!!

1:17PM: OH NO! Now Dan is telling the guys not to tell Roseanne either, commence multiple jokes by the guys about how/why they lie to their wives.

1:18PM: Here we go, Roseanne and Dan are in bed, Roseanne is asking a lot of questions about why Dan had to go to the shop. He is lying alllllll over the place. Something tells me by the end of this episode Roseanne will know he is lying.

1:21PM; Mark and Dan have a heart to heart at the shop the next morning about how Mark owes Dan, and Mark is really thankful Dan didn't tell his daughter about how drunk Mark got at the Lobo. Dan is going off on Mark. Good, he deserves it.

1:22PM: OH SHIT! Turns out Roseanne didn't know Mark was drunk at the Lobo, and now her sister just spilled the beans!!

1:24PM: Dan is home. Becky just left with Mark for the movies. Roseanne knows Dan lied about Mark being drunk at the Lobo. Roseanne is catching Dan in all sorts of lies right now. She is calling him out!!

1:25PM; Dan is lying and drinking a beer. The beer can looks tiny. Like a mini beer can, Dan is HUGE.

1:26PM: Show over. Really? I don't think anything got resolved...or maybe it did, and I was too busy thinking about how tiny the beer can that Dan is drinking looks.

Final Thoughts: First and foremost, live-blogging is really hard!!! Second, this show was funny, but nothing happened. Maybe thats why live-blogging it was so hard. There were like 5,000 characters, and I had no idea who any of them were. I wanted more Becky/Mark action and less Roseanne busting everyone's chops. Although I do like Dan a lot. As far as the synopsis goes though I'm not quite sure "Dan pays dearly" more like he lost out on some change.

Next week, Full House!!

Dear Diary

I didn't floss this weekend since it was Memorial Day. I know, I know its Wednesday but still, why cant I Memorial it up for a couple extra days?!?!?! Don't be so selfish, Diary. Anyway I flossed today and it reaked of old people. Like super old people attic full of old people clothes.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Overcompensate: verb- to take excessive measures in attemp to make ammends for an error, weakness, or problem

I was walking the other day with the baby in the baby bjorn by the Farmers Market when I was approached by a man, wearing a fedora like hat, and looking like most other LA hipsters, he looks to be in his mid 30's at least. Here is how our interaction played out.
Man:You speak English?
Me: Yes.
*Initial thoughts: he looks fairly normal. Probably needs directions. I will continue to stand here.

Man: Listen, I'm not homeless. I'm a student at UCLA, I need to take the bus to Santa Monica. Can I have some money? There's the Farmers Market, I'm not homeless. I need to take the bus. Money? I have school. Listen, I'm not homeless. Santa Monica, Farmers Market. I'm not homeless. UCLA, I'm not homeless. You have a baby. Hey Baby, I'm not homeless. ***Cut to 3 minutes later*** Bus, Farmers Market, UCLA, Not Homeless. Baby. Not Homeless. Money. Not Homeless.
Me: ....(walk away shaking my head shielding the baby)
*Initial Thoughts: This guy is definitely homeless.