Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Dear Diary

Drinking hard liquor in public is like playing social Russian roulette.

Monday, November 19, 2007

It's True, I Can't Spell

I have been preforming in improv shows for the past 2 years now, as well as done a few stand-up shows, and not once was I heckled. Sure more times then I care to remember people stared at me blank faced and did not laugh, but no one came out and said "you are not funny."

Recently Julia and I started writing for Sky Mall Product Review.
We instantly fell in love with writing for this blog and that is why our posts here on Benswick have been lacking. This morning it was called to my attention that I had an "online heckler." There is a man who just does not like me or my style. His comments range from inviting me to buy a grammar book to a simple "ughhh."

This morning when I read all three of this man's comments I was pretty bummed out. No one likes to read that someone thinks they are a bad writer and not funny. I shared my concern with a few friends and family members. Their responses solidified for me that the people I know are the greatest people in the world. I quickly moved past being upset and ran head first into thinking the whole situation is utterly hilarious. Plus the guy is right, I can't spell and my grammar is atrocious. My favorite response came from my mom, who like me has a general "tough love" approach to problems.
My Mom: I wish I could put ex-lax in his food for a month. What a creep, I bet he sits at his computer with underpants on his head and lives with his mother. You better get used to it babe and just hope he doesn't know your address.

The idea of this man, that my mom has imagined, coming to our apartment and trying to force me to improve my spelling and grammar is hilarious to me. I am going to spend the rest of the afternoon writing a sketch about it.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Hopefully The Newest Distraction From Your Day

Julia and I now have a second blog we will be posting on.
You may remember this teaser post. Maggie Littlewood will be attending the Ace of Base concert with me.

Thanks to Nate Luce, and Adam Teslik. We now have the pleasure of joining these two excellent writers on Sky Mall Product Review.

Happy Birthday!!

Saturday, November 10, 2007

More Sightings

I saw Nicole Richie and Joel Madden shopping on our block. She is tiny and he has a ton of tattoos but actually looks sort of buff. I was on the phone with my mom when I saw them and she responded with "She is just ghastly, why are you looking at those weirdos?"

Andre 3000 was sitting a couple of couches away from us at the Tropicana Bar at the Roosevelt last night. His manager was a douche, and it was the first time I have felt grossed out by LA people. The manager was barely 5'5 and about 50 years old. First he hit on my friend, then he said he wanted to set her up with his son, then he asked if she was going to do coke and could he come. What a creep.

Are these boring yet?

I Just Ate 7 Pieces of Pizza, and Now My Stomach Hurts

I am a child care professional. Basically that's my fancy way of saying I am a babysitter. I knew babysitting in LA was going to be different from babysitting in DC. I was worried that all the LA moms would only buy healthy food for their kids. Eating kid junk food is one of the best parts of babysitting and I was not looking forward to giving that up. I was pleasantly surprised to find that even the healthiest, skinniest moms still give their kids pizza when they go out. What I find to be the most different about babysitting on the West Coast versus the East Coast is not the food selection, or the fancy houses, or even where the parents are going that night (DC might not have award shows but their are still plenty of fancy events for parents to attend) No, the real difference is the movie selection. Tonight I am babysitting 4 kids all under the age of 13, the beginning of my night played out like this:

Girl: OK so we can either watch "The Heartbreak Kid" or "Enchanted"
Me: Oh, OK. Are we going out, your mom didn't mention it.
Girl: No, we have those on DVD.
Me: Um, I thought "Heartbreak Kid" was still in theaters, and hasn't "Enchanted" not even come out yet?
Girl's Friend: Well my dad is the head of all new concept blah blah, NBC, blah blah executive, something important, something important
Me: Oh cool. So um is he affected by the strike?
Girls Friend: No. Or we could watch American Gangster.
Me: Isn't that rated R?
Girl and Girls Friend (who are 13): So?

The idea of having a movie on DVD that hasn't even come out yet is crazy to me, yet I am finding it to be quite common out here. So far every kid I have babysat for has had at least one parent in the industry. For them it's not a big deal at all to watch a movie at home in the privacy of their own home theater 2 weeks before it is even released.

I believe I have found my new favorite part of babysitting. Now if you will excuse me I have to go watch Vince Vaughn playing "Vince Vaughn goes to the North Pole" in "Fred Claus".

Monday, November 5, 2007

You should give her a "Stanley Steemer" for Christmas....

....If you know what I mean....(wink wink)

I'm A 7 Year Old Boy

Tonight Julia and I went to see the movie "Gone Baby Gone."
This movie is INTENSE. It is an emotional roller coaster. Julia and I both thought it was a good movie though, worth seeing if you can stomach human pain.

The shift between funny and tragic is quick in the movie and for the first 45 minutes or so I just sat wide mouthed not really sure how to emote how I was feeling in an appropriate manner for a crowded movie theater. After a particularly intense scene I attempted to resume normal breathing when all of a sudden I caught a whiff of the most rank fart I have smelled in a while. Now I am a childcare professional so I am used to smelly diapers, but this smell was just sickening. For the record it was not Julia who farted. In fact I'm not sure if it was a fart at all, I wouldn't be surprised if someone sitting near me had shit their pants. So during this very intense movie after a very painful scene I start laughing. Then I smell the fart/shit again and I start laughing even harder. Then I think about the fact that I am in such an intense movie and the strongest reaction I have had thus far is to laugh at a fart/shit smell. I realized that my laughter was attracting attention, from both Julia and the others sitting around me so I tried to turn it into a cry, to gain sympathy instead of anger. That only made it worse because I was thinking about the fact that I was trying to cry to not sound like I was laughing, and I knew I shouldn't be laughing, and then I did start crying, from laughing so hard.
And then people got shot in the movie so I screamed and shut the hell up.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Hit List Vol 1.

When I first told people I was moving to LA a lot of people warned me about the douche bags I would meet out here. Up until today I have found majority of people I meet to be very nice, and if they are not then they are just normal and that's OK too. However, today while shopping in the Gap I saw a woman that offended me in every way possible.

First of all she was not attractive. I say this in the most sincere way possible. She physically looked fine. She was normal height, normal weight, regular clothes. What looked so awful was the expression on her face. I am being generous to her when I say she looked like someone had gone diarrhea in her hair dryer and she had just used it, and could smell it, and taste it. To top it all off she was wearing sunglasses, inside, at the Gap. She was not a celebrity, she didn't even look important, not that being a celebrity is an excuse. Sunglasses inside are inexcusable unless you are blind. But at least a celebrity I can forgive because I get a good story out of it. Second she stood with her back to the register while the guy she was with paid. No thank yous were addressed to the Gap employees. Rudeness just does not fly in my book, there is absolutely no excuse for being rude to someone helping you. She offended the people working there, and she offended me by looking in my general direction. I was filled with such an intense desire to just go up and knock the sunglasses of her face.

Stupid ugly gap lady with sunglasses on her face just made my list.

Institution Chic Becomes A Reality

Today for about 15 minutes I went legit crazy.

I decided that I needed a pair of pants that wasn't jeans or white jeans so I decided to brave the crowds and go shopping at the Grove. For those of you not familiar with the Grove it is a huge outdoor mall here in LA. It looks like a movie set and has a massive fountain in the middle. Tons of restaurants, expensive shopping, cheap shopping (or as I like to refer to it Part Time Paycheck Shopping) and even a movie theater.

The garage for the Grove is massive and has 7 levels, lucky for me I found a spot close to the elevators on level "4." I navigated my way through the crowds at the Gap and found my awesome new pair of corduroys for super cheap. Awesome. I was done shopping in under 20 minutes. I made my way back to the garage and riding up the elevator I was thinking, I'm on level 4, I'm on level 4, that woman should not be wearing that skirt, I'm on level 4.

I exit on level 4 and walk to where I parked my car. It is not there. Ok I think, I'm not the worlds most with it person so there is a HUGE possibility that I forgot where I originally parked, no big deal. So I start wandering around level 4 of the parking lot. Now anyone who has parked or has tried to park in a busy lot knows that the best bet when it comes to finding a spot is to follow a person walking to their car. In under 15 seconds I had developed quite the following of cars. Of course I am their biggest nightmare because I am wandering aimlessly between the aisles, basically the biggest parking spot tease of all time. Finally I start to panic when I realized I have checked all the aisles near where I thought I parked. So I decide to set off my alarm and follow the sound to my car. I am relieved to hear my alarm start, confirming my car was not stolen. So I start to walk towards the sound, I turn the alarm off and wait to see my blue jeep with MD plates. It does not appear. So I set my alarm off again, and again I hear it. So I walk back towards where I hear it. Now at this point I am really really starting to get pissed off with myself, I mean how out of it am I that I cant find my beeping and blinking car. So I go into full search mode, waving off the line of cars following my every mood I start walking up and down the aisles. I locate the loudest spot with my alarm beeping and once again turn it off. Once again I still cannot find my car. At this point I am almost crying. I am about to rip my hair out, I am convinced I am going crazy. I hear my car, but I cannot see my car. I set my alarm off again. I hear the beeping loud and clear, and no car. I am feeling so defeated I throw my hands up and in that moment through the openings in the ceiling I see red blinking lights coinciding with my beeping car.

I had parked on level 5. My car was above my head the entire time.

Great Moment in Starbucks History

In August, my dad gave me a Starbucks card. Today, I knew I was running low on the card so I braced myself for paying a slight difference. Nope. My chai latte cost EXACTLY what was left on the card. $3.55. 0 balance. The cashier was not nearly as amused as I was.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

"Tell Me What You Don't Like About Yourself"/This Show

As you may know, the season premiere of Nip/Tuck aired this past week. As you may not know, this new season is completely based on the experience of (Drs) Julia Bensfield and Cissy Fenwick. And we are not happy about it.

For those of you who aren't familiar with this (so-so) FX series, allow me to fill you in: Two plastic surgeons, (Drs) Christian Troy and Sean McNamara, live in Miami where they perform cutting edge surgeries on women and men who are unhappy with their bodies (as they should be!). Sean and Christian are not gay, nor are they brothers, but they share a South Beach mansion for some reason and are usually cooking dinner together.

This season, by very curious coincidence, Christian and Sean have packed up and moved to Los Angeles--- aka "The Mecca of Plastic Surgery" aka "The City Where Cissy and Julia Shop at Smart&Final." Before all the sexy west coast freak-show-surgeries can begin, Xtian and Sean need to make a name for themselves in this little desert city. BUT HOW???

Here's where a little thing I like to call The LA Montage comes in pretty handy. A perfect fusion of the opening of The Hills and the Dogg brothers' getting-ready-to-go-out self tanner and cologne-soaked scene from True Life: I'm a Clubber, the Nip/Tuck montage did not disappoint. Uh oh! The boys need to go out and pick up clients! Christian can't decide on a blazer! Sean is fussing around with his hair pomade! Sean has a black baby with no babysitter! Christian has tried on every blazer in the (shared) Malibu pad and tossed them onto his bed! Cosmos are being poured! Everyone is tan! Christian and Sean's moves aren't working on the ladies because they are G-A-Y!

To make a long story short: Christian found a blazer. Oh, and Lauren Hutton told the boys that the only way to get clients was to get publicity. She recommends becoming consultants on "Hearts and Scalpels," an eerily similar fake show within-a-show. They get the gig, they get exposure, they get patients (including 1. a studio exec who likes to get whipped by Cassssaaaannnnndrrrraaaa and 2. The Not-Heather Locklear, Not-Andrew Shue, Not-Courtney Thorne Smith Woman From Melrose Place) and suddenly our boys have been sucked into the world of fame, power and dirty. sexy. money.

Which brings me to my original concern: How DARE FX take the Cissy Fenwick and Julia Bensfield story??We moved out here as sexy young plastic surgeons, looking for a new city and a beach house where we could stock our blazers and raise our interracial infant. Now look at us: writing on a hit TV show, getting hair plugs (Cissy), and feuding over things that are superficial...all while sewing up nostrils and putting implants into a tranny's third breast. Think about it, FX. Now I have a meal to cook with my roommate!

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Dear Diary

I finally know what all those crazy homosexual/transvestites/drug addicts/starving artists were singing and dancing about in the musical "Rent" now that I too live in an apartment where I have to pay rent. Why should they have to pay for their HUGE loft with AMAZING river views when there are so many other things to spend money on like fake eyelashes, hooker shoes, drugs, and expensive paints. I don't want to pay my rent either. I think I'm going to go throw caution to the wind and dance in the street and be really self-righteous about having AIDS. I have more important things to spend money on, like tickets to the Tyler Perry movie and star maps to celebrity homes.

Happy 1st of the month!

You Learn Something New Every Day

October 31st 2007:
Today I learned that nurses, sailors, maids, Rainbow Brite, doctors, girl scouts, refs, a queen, a court jester, Little Red Riding Hood, cats, bunnies, cops, fire fighters, pirates, Mrs Claus, construction workers, Pocahontas, teachers, girls who go to school, Hermione Granger, plumbers, cowgirls, bumble-bees, waitresses, pilots, Sherlock Holmes and any Disney character ever; all wear thigh highs, high heels, short skirts, low cut tops, and chokers. Who knew??