RIP... GOULET

Robert Goulet passed away at 73 today. He will be missed.

Tricks of the Trade

Trick or Treat! Yea, we have all been hearing that phrase a lot the last week. But what about it's Forgotten Stepchild Catchphrase; Tricks of the Trade? Inside pointers that help you succeed in a certain situation aka Tricks of the Trade may not have it's own holiday, but it is still an important catch-phrase none the less. To commemorate this very important catch phrase I am going to share with you a few "tricks of the trade" to spotting celebrities.

Tricks of the Trade to spotting Celebrities:
1)Live your life like an "out of work" celebrity
Many celebrities live off money they make from syndication. They are not currently filming anything but they probably toss movie/t.v ideas around with their friends. I am currently working about an hour/two hours a day. Not by choice. Like most celebrities I would like to work more. Except in my case I would panic in front of a camera at work. Because at my job it would be a "nanny cam." I do however have a little income and toss around sketch/stand-up ideas around with my friends. Since most of my day is free I have taken to running pointless errands around town, brunching in the middle of the week, and staying out late on the weeknights. Every time I have done one of these things I have run into a celebrity. Just this morning Julia and I were having brunch with a friend and we sat next to Mila Kunis, the voice of Meg on "Family Guy", as well as one of the girls on "That 70's Show". I also sat near Minnie Driver while having brunch a couple of weeks ago with some girlfriends of mine from high school. Just last week I was behind Kevin Smith in line at Target, and later that day when I was driving to get my car cleaned I drove by a taping of "The Hills." I never would have seen David Spade if I hadn't thought getting drunk on a Wednesday night was a good idea. Its quite simple, the less money you make, the more celebrities you will see. Besides everyone knows a good celebrity sighting is like money in the bank.

2) Work constantly to afford going to swanky places
Now I haven't tried this out yet. But I have been passed this information as an excellent trick of the trade. If you can afford a table or bottle service at a swanky club in LA you will most likely see or interact with a celebrity who is trying to get into the tabloids therefore probably working, and probably a douche. Personally I try to steer clear of any place with a guest list or a line so I'm fine with my out of work celebrities to accompany my out of work self, they are usually nicer anyway. Perspective is a wonderful thing!

3) Be REALLY lucky or a HUGE stalker
A good celebrity sighting is often luck. Or stalking. It's 50/50 really. Anyone can read about a celebrities interests and then frequent places you know they would enjoy. But just as often you could be out having a good time with your friends, or walking your dog, or fake shopping (thats looking at clothes but not buying them, because you don't have a job) and see your favorite star of yesterday or today.

So, dear readers, just follow these simple tricks of the trade and watch the celebrity sightings roll in. You're welcome.

Institution Chic

This picture was taken of me last night. It is part of my Halloween costume. I'm always a "middle school drama teacher" but the details of the costume change depending on the night.

I realized this morning that based on this picture alone I could start a new wave of high end fashion. Zoolander brought us Derelict, now I present Institution Chic.

Its pre-rehab, post mental hospital, currently resides in a door frame....at the library.

You're Not My Real Dad

On very special occasions I leave the bright light of my glowing television set and I go out on the town. Tonight I attended a costume party in Silver Lake. From the front the house looked like a little rambler, but it lead into a small back yard, a long, steep set of stairs and into a HUGE backyard. The stairs and rocky terrain proved difficult for me (not because I was drunk, I was the DD tonight) but because I had on one awkward boot and one sneaker. I went as a "middle school drama teacher." The only thing that ensured I wasn't the most unattractive female there were the multitude of transvestites. Probably around 150-200 people there all in different types of costumes. They ranged from typical (a slutty nurse/fairy/nun/any person ever) to amazing (a 6'7 large large man dressed as Fesick from Princess bride, flawless)

One guy danced up to us in a tiny pair of shorts and a wannabe members only jacket unbuttoned with nothing underneath. I asked him what he was and he said "Your Dad" and I said "You look good for your age" Which I feel like is a MORE then generous response to such a douche chill costume. About 10 minutes later I witnessed him being an ass around some other people and they too asked him what he was. After he responded the guy who asked looked at him and said "well thanks for raping me" I left about 10 minutes later.

Happy Halloween.

Dear Diary

Tonight I went to a costume party. I saw a guy in a white t-shirt that looked like it had been in a fire. On the shirt was written MALIBU and on the back it said Too Soon?

Putting the " UR A Man" and "Ic!" in "Manicure!"

On Tuesday, I got a manicure from a man.

I have been getting my nails done every two weeks since I was 16, and only twice have I had a man do the task. The first was a cell phone ear-piece-wearing long-haired cheeseball who handled my hands as though they were piping hot crabs. The second man is the one I would like to discuss in this entry. For context, this guy was part of a nail duo-- girl on feet, man on hands.

I like when women do my nails. They have soft hands and they always praise the color I pick out. They smile and ask me if I have plans that night (I never do, but sometimes I lie. I once told Tchau at a Capitol Hill salon that I was going to a ball). Women manicurists make me feel very special. I really liked the woman who did my pedicure on Tuesday, mostly because she distracted me from the butchering that was going on on my hands. Mr. I-wear-a-gold-chain-and-am-flirting-with-the-receptionist managed to make 4 of my cuticles bleed from aggressive cutting and from neglecting to put my hands in warm water (oh no he deh-ennnnnt!!!!). This GUY not only rushed me into signing the bill with wet hands, but didn't even MENTION how pretty my color was!

I know many wonderful men in my life, but not one would I ever trust for my personal grooming. Their hands are hard and they have no interest in balls that I may or may not be attending that evening. I'm sorry if this is all sexist, but YOU try cleaning countertops with 409-vulnerable cuticles!

Craiglist Job Option #3

TICKLISH GIRLS WANTED FOR VIDEO ** $500 for 20 minutes

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Reply to: girlsticklinggirls@gmail.com
Date: 2007-10-24, 12:01PM PDT


Looking for attractive and ticklish girls that are 18 to 25 years old for tickling fetish videos. No nudity involved, fully clothed at all times, this is not porn, very professional. Must have a fun and bubbly personality on camera. Your job will be to tickle a girl for 10 minutes and then be tickled for 10 minutes all while being videotaped. Some easy role-playing may be involved.

THIS IS THE EASIEST MONEY YOU WILL EVER MAKE!! Fun and easy gig. Get paid $500 cash for having fun being tickled and tickling.

Put Down That Remote

Lately I have been watching a lot of t.v and not reading as much as I should. I decided to make a change, and I'm starting with the woman in the mirror. The following articles are two of my favorites that I have come across in my efforts to watch less and read more. Enjoy.

An article about roles for women in comedy movies. Thanks to Jordan Boughrum for sending this my way!

An article about a traveling exhibition devoted to the theme of failed relationships. Thanks to Julia for sending this my way. What would you put in the exhibit???

A Hollywood Psychic. Great job? Or Greatest Job?

Today walking home from Target I was stopped by a woman pushing a stroller. She loudly said "Excuse Me!" and I stopped thinking she needed directions or was going to ask me for change. She immediately identified herself and the interaction is as follows:

Psychic: I'm a psychic and I just want you to know I see good things for you in the next year. Whats your name?
Me: Ohh, great! Thank You. My name is Cissy(I'm smiling and for a second I actually believe her)
Psychic: You shine so bright. I know you faced some obstacles last year. But this year I think your hard work towards your goals will pay off.
Me: Oh, ok, great, thank you.. (I'm still smiling but starting to get a little skeptic, especially since I know I am not "shining so bright" I'm wearing a shirt with stains on it, and the whole reason I went to Target was to buy shampoo because I hadn't washed my hair in two days)
Psychic: Whats your name?
Me: Cissy. (At this point I'm thinking, common lady I JUST told you my name, now I understand you're no mind reader but you should remember my name if you are going to try and sell me this load of crap)
Psychic: Cissy, did you face some obstacles last year?
Me: Sort of....(I'm half smiling at this point, but frankly I was hoping for a bit more out of this. Of course I faced some obstacles in the last year, who doesn't go a whole f-ing year without some obstacles?!)
Psychic: I can give you a reading right now. (We are standing on the side of the road and she is pushing a baby carriage with a real kid in it)
Me: Oh no thanks...(and I walked away)


For the rest of the walk home I began thinking what a great job a Hollywood Psychic would be. I mean 9 out of 10 people you meet out here are trying to break into the industry in some way. So of course they have big goals, and obstacles to face. Also it is such a toss up if most of these people are ever going to achieve the level of fame they want so most are really desperate for some sign of hope. I admit that even I in the first seconds of our encounter really believed that this woman could tell I was "special." A psychic in general is a pretty easy job but a psychic in Hollywood, well that's a gold mine!!

Celebrity Sightings 5, 6, 7

Dear readers, you might have been asking yourselves "Cissy and Julia live in Hollywood now, why are they not hanging out with celebrities left and right?" Well maybe we are! And maybe we're not. Either way here are my celebrity sightings from the past month.

Sighting One

Driving down Robertson Blvd, where normally you can expect to see female celebrities out shopping between drug overdoses, I saw Oscar from the office. Needless to say I was more excited to see him because he is a brilliant improviser and has been on two of my favorite t.v shows, the office, and Reno 911.

Sighting Two

Today I went on a little shopping excursion to target. Anyone who has ever shopped at Target knows that the check out situation can be a bit of a cluster-fuck. I only had two small items I was buying so I searched for the shortest line possible. I noticed a man who seemed to only have bags and bags of M&Ms that he was buying so I made a bee-line to get behind him in line. My first thought was that the man in front of me with a rampant sugar addiction looked like our downstairs neighbor. Then I realized it was non other then Silent Bob himself, Kevin Smith. His very tall and thin wife popped up as he was signing the credit card receipt, she looked miserable.

Sighting 3

Last night Julia and I were supposed to have improv class. However, due to power outages class was cancelled after we had all arrived. As a class we decided to go get drinks and hang out so it wasn't a wasted evening. We ended up at a very large Mexican Bar/Restaurant near our house. This particular establishment had about 200 televisions everywhere you looked all playing the World Series. Our class ended up at a long table in the corner. I noticed that not even 10 feet from us was a private room that looked like a board room, with about 8 flat screens. The long board room table in the middle, but instead of normal office chairs there were special "Mexican Restaurant VIP room office chairs." Low and behold who should be sitting at the head of the table was "Riiiiiicccchhhhhaaaarrrddd" himself, David Spade. I love David Spade. Sometimes he gives me the douche chills because he is such a "celebrity" comedian but Tommy Boy is one of my all time favorites, so I feel a loyalty to him. Julia noticed him first, and said that they made eye contact and he immediately shut the curtains closing off the room. As soon as the game ended he got up and left, creating a scene eerily like the above picture. David Spade in all is 5 ft. glory with a tall thin blond catering to him. This sparked the always original conversation about why celebrities go out in the first place if they are just going to lock themselves up and be weird about being in public. For the record I did not see one person go up to him the entire time. If you are so against seeing other people, why not just stay home?

All That She Wants..

..Has come true!





There are certain "firsts" in every persons life that are remembered forever.
A few of mine:
First Tape: Ace of Base
First Talent Show Performance: Interpretive Dance to "I Saw the Sign" by Ace of Base
First "Inappropriate" Song I knew All the Words to: "All That She Wants" by Ace of Base

Ace of Base has just announced a reunion tour! First prize winner of the caption contest will be rewarded the ticket for the seat next to mine at their show in LA. You're welcome in advance, winner!

I Respect Your Van, Man

This van lives around the corner from us. I don't have much to say about it, except that it is repulsive. As you can see through the passenger-side window, this van is filled to the brim with trash. One can smell the trash from the other side of the road. If you opened that sliding door, you would probably be dead in 4 days from exposure. Cissy and I just wanted to let you know about this, and can show it to you in person if you come to visit.


PS--I don't know who "Tuffy the Dog" is, but I think I know where he is buried.

PPS-- Cissy made me take this picture even though I thought I would get killed. She said that if the owner popped out and asked questions, I should reply with "I respect your van....man."

Caption Contest

Extra, Extra. You dear readers, are the first to know, but there is a new blog hitting the world wide web sometime soon. In honor of that blog. (I wont tell you what it is just yet) I am posting this picture. Please leave your captions in the comments. There is a very special prize for the winning caption.



Julia and I first encountered this picture on our flight to LA.
Julia from 6 rows back texted me:
"Turn to page 114, that guy is paaaaasssssed out"
I texted back:
"That GUYYY is my Dad"

Why Do Boys Yell?

Today is Sunday, and Nate is in town. He has been screaming to himself since the Colorado/Kansas game began at noon. I have been to three grocery stores, baked brownies, gone for a run... and Nate is still screaming on the couch. It is 5:00 pm.

Why do boys yell at the screen when they watch football on tv? Why do they always drink Miller Lite while doing so? How do they know everybody's name on the team AND all their stats? Why was I at three grocery stores today?

Cissy and I enjoy "Gossip Girl," but we don't fist-pump every time S says something douche-chilly. I believe that this is truly a gendered issue. I went over to my sister's house the other day, only to find my two nephews, brother-in-law and 2 male cousins screaming into the television set. They were all wearing Jets jersies, and the legal ones were drinking Miller light. Once, I hushed Nate during a game, and just at the point he wanted to scream out, a male neighbor took over and shook the whole apartment with his "YES!!!!!!" They were watching the same game apparently.

Right now Cissy has her earphones on, and I am sitting with my back to the television. We lead a very peaceful existence, and can't wait for Nick Lachey to head back to Wyoming.

The Part-Time Paycheck Diet

Instructions:
Simply have a part-time job, where you are rewarded a part-time paycheck. Then spend said paycheck on a medium amount of food and liquids. Liquids should usually be your biggest staple.

Results:
Not only will you look different (either bigger or smaller, really depends on how much you consume vs. how much you burn) but your fridge will look different as well. Much more organized (less items=less clutter) Its a win-win...

An example:

Our fridge consists of
one carton of eggs, some leftover tomato sauce, a gallon of milk, a brita water filter (that has expired, natch) two pieces of bread, some cheese, some old coffee, and some beer, we also have an onion that you cant see in this picture

Meet My New Band: "Xtra Toppings"

Cissy F. on Emo Bass Guitar, Julie B. lead vocals, Danny P. on drums.

Free Venti Pumpkin Lattes at every concert.

90210 Star Ian Ziering Regrets Ever Selling Lamp to Namedropping Douchebag

Selling Rug, pillows, lamp - Make offer - $5

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Reply to: sale-448065760@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-13, 10:51AM PDT


**6' x 4' Traditional Style Oriental Rug. Thick, soft, great colors. $35
**Beautiful lamp (Purchased from 90210 star Ian Ziering) $20
**Pillows ranging from $5 to $10. Less if you buy multiples

Ch-Ch-Ch-Check it Out

In life you have to make sacrifices. We made sacrifices to move to LA, those sacrifices include but are not limited to leaving behind the amazing comedy community in DC. It might be small but it is truly great.

Please check out these blogs as a testament to that Greatness.

DC Comedy 4 Now- 4 comics, one of whom is my bfffeffeeeffff for life Jason Saenz. The blog also includes writings from Nick Turner and Kojo Mante, both excellent comedians and damn good guys. As for Jay Hastings...consider yourself warned.


Natasha- Giggle Throttle. Natasha used to direct me in Caveat, and was in Your Phone Company with Julia. She is hands down the most talented female improviser I have ever seen, as well as a damn fine lady.

Christmas in October

A couple of weeks ago, maybe more (actually it was the weekend Nate visited) Los Angeles had its first rainfall in 180 days. That's a lot of days. As a true East Coaster I was thrilled about the rain. I played the song "Grey in LA" by Loudon Wainwright III on repeat and snuggled in my bed all day. It was fantastic. That night when I was out at a bar I overheard a woman in the bathroom talking about the rain:
Woman 1: "I didn't leave the house all day, I couldn't get anything done. Luckily Tom had stocked up yesterday when he heard the news flash about the storm, I mean there was just NO way I was going to drive in those conditions"
Women 2: "Oh you are so lucky, we were so worried we almost went to Ralph's (grocery store out here) and then realized how dangerous it would be.
My thoughts: "This is a joke right?"

If rainstorms came in small, medium, and large this rainstorm would have been a size 4-6. The woman in the bathroom actually used the words "these conditions." The only time I have ever been afraid to drive in bad weather was the winter of o3' during the blizzard/ice storm in February that cancelled school for a week an a half, and even then I still drove, I was just a little nervous after fishtailing before I even got to the end of my block.
I recently brought this up with some friends of mine who live out here but who also grew up on the East Coast. They agreed that the response to rain out here is equivalent to our response to massive sleet/hail, snow, and ice. They said when there is even a chance of rain, people refuse to drive, they carry around massive umbrellas, everyone is wearing rain boots, and the bread shelves at the market as well as the streets are significantly less crowded.
While I think it is ridiculous how scared people are of driving in the rain out here, I do understand the hassle it can bring. The morning after I overheard the bar bathroom conversation I woke up to see a towel and a huge pot on the leather couch in our living room. The couch we had just recently purchased, in the new apartment we had just recently leased under the impression that it had been completely renovated before we moved in. Turns out the renovations were only on the inside and our ceiling had a leak. Our ceiling was like the woman in the bathroom, a complete pussy when it came to the rain.
Julia and I expressed our concern with our landlords and I wont bore you with all the details but just this morning we received a large gift basket, with a pretty bow, and filled with an assortment of special goodies, a gift from our landlords.

Until Julia gets home from work and we can open it together I have placed our gift basket underneath our "Christmas Tree."

Some of Us Root for the Underdog

***UPDATE***
For those of you who have read this entry it is now updated. Ebon Moss-Bachrach is out. I still enjoy him in movies, however, information about him as a person that I received from a very credible source has led me to remove him from my personal list of heartthrobs. Paul Schneider is now #1, top of the list. I will work on finding a new #2, and a real #3.

Tonight I attended my first book club meeting.
That's not what this blog entry is about. This blog entry is about the road I took, when the two roads diverged in the woods (a.k.a, vis-a-vi) (my brain) and I had to choose between road A- which is a book club entry orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (blatant So I Married an Axe Murderer reference) road B- telling you who my favorite Hollywood dreamboats are. I choose road B (with a tiny bit of A, basically I'm on road B but I can still see A....ok?!! Yaaay. I thought about this tonight because tonight at the end of book club (see, here we are looking at road A) we decided when we were going to meet next. Someone suggested the date Nov 11th and Julia without pause screamed out THAT'S LEONARDO DICAPRIO'S BIRTHDAY!!!!
Now since this blog entry is not about book club I wont go into details about everyone else's reactions, however, I will share mine. Which is, I don't care much for Leonardo Dicaprio, and for that matter I don't care much for Brad, or Matt, or Hugh, or Ryan, or Ben, or John, or Jacob, or Jinggleheimerorshmidt. These men are, of course, good looking men, but they are not my men. These men do not get my heart racing when I see them on screen or in magazines. In fact they kind of give me the douche chills.

Crush # 1: Paul Schneider

I first fell for Paul Schneider while watching "The Family Stone" he just played that hometown, stoner, yet still an EMT, good guy next door character so well. I firmly believe that he had the best laugh in the whole movie, the whole movie full of family angst, and cancer, a deaf gay son, and a sibling love quad-mix-up weird switcheroo thing, basically a laugh riot... I recently saw The Assassination of Jesse James at the Arclight with Julia. Paul played a member of The James Gang. I was thrilled to introduce Julia to Paul, via the big screen. I'm not quite sure she understood my obsession, (which I like, I don't want to compete over my heartthrobs....unlike some people...Nov 11th...) but she did see his appeal. Some say appeal, some say second greatest living actor around today. Thanks to Jake, I have now seen "All the Real Girls" This movie is what promted me to oficially move Paul into the #1 spot.

Crush # 3: Thomas Mapother Like I said...I don't like to compete over my heartthrobs.

Arclight

[SPOILER ALERT: JESSE JAMES DIES IN "THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORD"]

Unlike many people in Los Angeles, Cissy and I are really "into" movies. We've (I've) had a lot of great moments at the theater-- me kicking my car keys underneath the seat in front of me (and not doing anything because I thought it was just a hair clip), me crying at two previews in a row, me crying at Morgan Freeman, and me spilling a full baggie of my Famous BananaChip-and-Almond Trail Mix into my own filthy purse (that combo of foods is disgusting, btw).

However, we recently ventured outside of the safety and comfort of the $37-a-ticket Grove Theater and tried out the Arclight. After we parked the car in the lot, walked a block, turned left, walked a block, turned left again, and walked another block, we realized that we were not only standing at the entrance of the Arclight, but were about 20 feet from our car. Apparently parking lots have more than one exit. And more so apparent was the fact that Arclight ONLY has exits. The front doors were locked, and just before we turned back to the car (the long way), we realized that the real entrance was around the other side. All this turning made me confused and wheezy.

So the Arclight is fancy. It's no United Artists Bethesda, and couldn't even come close in grandeur to that old Tenley Town theater that was next to the Swensens on Wisconsin. But it's pretty nice. The Arclight has assigned seating. I didn't want to be awkward, so I reluctantly chose the seat next to Cissy. She was standing right there, what could I do? We resisted caramel popcorn and went straight to our Jesse James seats (seats for viewing the new Jesse James movie, not some cool western-themed movie chairs). A man came out and talked to us, in person, about the movie. He told us to silence our phones, and that Brad Pitt and Casey Affleck were the stars of the movie we were about to see. Well hot damn!! He then assured us that another usher would be present for the first 30 minutes to ensure that sound and picture quality were "up to Arclight standard." As a girl who once got up in a DiCaprio-and-Estrogen double-fueled homicidal fit and told the manager straight up that the sound was off during the opening credits of "Titanic," I found this comforting. The whole experience was very nice, especially the mexican food we had afterwards.

What do Wes Anderson and National Geographic have in Common?

They both hired Alec Baldwin to do narration work.

Alternate Title: The Baldwin Comeback?

I believe we have a bonafied Baldwin comeback on our hands. Then again have the Baldwins really been missing? Lately I have had Baldwin overload, in the last 48 hours I feel like majority of what I have watched has had a Baldwin starring, co -starring, or narrating.
Like I said before I have been watching a lot of television and movies. When you watch as much as I do now, you know that 3 out of 4 Baldwin brothers have been seeing major face time recently. Anyway, the 4th brother doesn't count because, lets be honest, he was only ever famous for having famous brothers. Alec Baldwin can be seen on 30 Rock, and various gossip sites for calling his ex-wife and daughter a variety of harsh names, and his younger brother William (Billy) Baldwin (of Backdraft fame) is on the new ABC show "Dirty Sexy Money," and Stephen Baldwin absolutely has some major films coming out. One might immediately think...BALDWIN COMEBACK! I know I did....but then I realized, hasn't a Baldwin always been a staple, sometimes unexpectedly?


Now its a lot easier to identify a Baldwins face then their voices. They all look very similar with there impossibly dark hair, mysterious grins, and blue slanty eyes nestled below thick, almost, Peter Gallagheresque eyebrows. However, if you listen closely you will hear a Baldwin in the most obscure places. Just tonight as Julia and I were watching Planet Carnivore on National Geographic (yes, that's right, we watch Planet Carnivore on Saturday nights if we want.) I kept getting distracted from the thrashing sharks by the husky voice that explained their eating habits. Instead of processing the information and improving my knowledge of sharks and other sea life they come into contact with I couldn't help but think of the opening scene of the Wes Anderson directed, The Royal Tenenbaums. Watching the birds on National Geographic swooping low over the ocean, barely above the sharks, I kept picturing Mordecai, faithful hawk belonging to Richie soaring above the Tenenbaum home to "Hey Jude" with Alec Baldwin as the narrator describing the family. I instantly thought "I KNOW THAT VOICE!" It was the narrator, it was Jack on 30 Rock making fun of Tina Fey, it was eerily similar to the voices of main characters in "Dirty Sexy Money", "Three of Hearts" and "Threesome"....it was Alec Baldwin!

Clearly Alec is the most famous of the Baldwins and is working the most these days, however, let us not count out that aside from once being the star of the second "sex" movie I ever watched ("Threesome"...natch) brother Stephen can be found starring in "The Flyboys" and "Sharks in Venice." Two films, I will admit I haven't gotten the chance to watch yet, but they just scream artistic integrity and they are at the top of my que. Brother Billy once star of the first and I think third "sex" movie I ever watched ("Backdraft " and "Three of Hearts"...respectively) will also soon be seen in the upcoming film "Sakura: The Blue Eyed Samurai" Now I dont know about you but when I hear that title I immediately picture blue eyed, dark haired, mysterious, sexy slanty eyed, Billy.

So to end this I Salute the Baldwins, and let us always remember the knowledge we gained from watching or hearing them. They truly are members of my personal television and movie "old guard."

Maybe My Mom Was Right

Growing up I was not allowed to watch television. I know, the humanity. As a child I really didn't know any different. I went to an all girls Catholic school so we wore uniforms. No body wore trendy clothes such as t-shirts featuring the boys from "New Kids on the Block" a band I only became familiar with in high school. I never really worried about not being able to watch t.v. Sometimes I would go over to my friend Bo's house and we would watch MacGuyver and then play MacGuyver in the back yard as soon as it was over. I wasn't aware growing up of all the television gold I was missing.

It is now that I am an adult that I am starting to realize how in the dark I am when it comes to pop culture from the 80s and 90s. I am the last person you want on your team playing trivial pursuit or catchphrase when the question pertains to anything entertainment related. During a recent game of catchphrase my clue was "Fraggle Rock" I was completely lost. However, if it is a question about books I'm the first to shout out an answer. Reading was my television, and I was a feign. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but when you read as much as I did you become quite good at it. I could put away books by Lois Lowry, Roald Dahl, Judy Blume, Edward Eager, Norton Juster, and a handful of others in just a couple of days as a kid, and now as an adult I often used to find myself reading a book in just a couple of hours if I had the free time.

Our first month out here Julia and I didn't have a television because it was coming in my car which I shipped from DC and ended up being a month late. Finally it arrived and now we have cable.
I am officially addicted. There is so much television out there I can barely tear myself away. I record everything and anything. From cooking shows, to comedy shows, to old sitcoms that ended before I was born.
I recently watched "Whose the Boss?" for the first time, and spent about 15 minutes grilling Julia on the details of the show. "You mean she hired a MALE MAID?!" "HOW SOON DO THE KIDS START HOOKING UP WITH EACH OTHER?" I shouted over the cheesy opening credits. I have no concept of a family sitcom because most of the shows I watch are recent ones where the entire story line revolves around drug using, sexually mature, corrupted youth.
I'm somewhat used to watching network television but cable is a whole new world to me. I cant put down the remote. I mastered it in under a day, I can page through hundreds of channels in seconds, if I even chose to watch something I haven't pre-recorded or isn't "On Demand". My vocabulary as entirely changed. I now know what "page up and page down" mean, what DVR, and On Demand mean. I had absolutely no regret when we go our cable bill and I realized I was spending more on cable that month then groceries.

I used to fall asleep like this:



Now I fall asleep to this:

Best Unintentional Vanity Plate Ever (courtesy of Nate Luce)

"TOO RADICAL FOR YOU!"

The Future is Bleak

Dear Diary

Every day is Halloween if you are a transvestite.