Top Three Moments of Oscar Night at our Apartment

#3: Cissy Prints Out Last Year's Oscar Ballot

Cissy had the great idea of printing out the Official Oscar Ballot for us to fill out before the ceremony began. After 30 minutes of fussing with the Ole Dusty Printer (last used to print out Fandango tickets for The Nanny Diaries), the ballot competition began. And then it ended, immediately after we realized that Michael Clayton and No Country for Old Men were on the Best Picture list. So, we opted for the shout-out-your-vote-right-before-winner-is-announced method of competition.

#2: The Worst First and Middle Name Combo Ever

[British Accent] "You know, you don't have to put my middle name up there, really, it just seems a bit formal, don't you think? I'm happy with just Scott Kennedy, please. Please, I'm begging you."


DRUM ROLL, PLEASE:

#1: Premiere Ad for Jamie Foxx's Newest Movie: "The Great White Booty Call: Wanda Lives"

The Soloist. Are you serious???

Les Deux and the Introduction of OPALC

It finally happened, this past Saturday night Julia and I went to a "hot" Hollywood club. This is something we never do, for a couple of reasons. 1)They suck. 2)They wont let us in anyway. However, this weekend was a special occasion with VIP out of town guests (Julia's lovely sister Margaret and her awesome boyfriend Teddy) and away we went to Les Deux. The night began with us stumbling on to a large parking lot connected to what appears to be a family home.
Yes, this is Les Deux (daylight shot for added effect...). There was most certainly a moment when all three of us stood looking up thinking, really, this is one of the "hottest" clubs in Hollywood? Certainly proves that in a town where looks are the only thing that matters no one ever intended that sentiment for the exterior of their clubs. Imagine my disappointment that this was the place that caused me to have a minor meltdown directed at Julia trying to find a suitable outfit. However disappointed we were we eventually got used to it after standing outside for far too long. I guess by Hollywood standards we were not in line for that long since lets be honest everyone was probably at Crowne or Villa anyway but it still felt like forever for us. It probably didn't help that when the bouncer came up to me asking where my friend went (Julia was on the phone trying to organize us getting in the back door since M & T were already inside) I replied with "oh, um on the phone? none of us really want to be here, its a family thing...know what I mean?" He didn't.

Thanks to Teddy we were able to enter through the back door. During our short walk down the back hallway I felt what it must be like to be a celebrity, then I quickly felt like a douche for thinking that way. Until we reached the main patio and then I realized that my mild douchiness was nothing compared to the throngs of OPALC surrounding us, the DJ booth and the VIP sofa areas. For those not familiar with OPALC, it stands for Ordinary People Acting Like Celebrities. Now there are certainly different ways of acting like a celebrity. Just being weird and on drugs and snobby within your private couch area I don't mind, it does not affect me in the slightest. Its the OPALC who decide that they will get pushy and disregard any sort of normal respectful behavior that blow my mind.

Example 1- I was standing, holding my beer with my elbow bent at a normal 90 degree angle when a women walked by me, stopped, and immediately started loudly berating me for "elbowing her in the stomach." This woman felt she was so important that we should all stand like peg people with our arms flat at our sides in case she happened to walk by, much too closely.

Example 2- A sleezy bouncer type "security" guy (not good enough for the main door he just had to work the patio) squeezed by Julia, and instead of asking her to move he decided to scoot her out of the way by placing his hand far far too close to her butt. Julia immediately turned around and said "Excuse me, please don't touch me" and this absolute creep who looked like he could barely run a lap around the bar looks at her and says "why would I want to touch you?!" (writers note- he should be so lucky!!!) Now, this guy is supposed to be "security" which in any normal establishment means keeping the peace and stepping in if things get out of hand, but this guy had it backwards and decided that since he worked at a hot Hollywood club he was somehow above his job title and now his job was to just try and start fights. He stood on the outskirts of our little circle eyeing us for a while and at one point came back over to demand "EVERYTHING COOL HERE DOG?!" to whom he was speaking we have no idea, however, we all mutually answered "yes....are you... ok?"

All this being said, Les Deux has a great set up. Plus Julia got to post the Facebook status message she "had been waiting for two years to post- At. Les. Deux." Here is a picture of the back patio where we were. Yes they use the same decorator as my Dad's law office in case anyone was wondering.

Coming Soon to a Dealership Near You

2 years ago, Julia, myself, Natasha Rothwell, and Justin Purvis all took a road trip up to NY for the Del Close Marathon. The weekend was a blast, the car ride, however, was even blastier. Yes, thats a word. Says who? Says me.
Taking a break from the normal car games used to distract from a 4 hour drive we came up with a new car game, a dirty car game, called Dirty Car Names(don't even ASK where we came up with that title...). Here are the results:

Chevy Tail Blazer

CliTaurus

Dodge 4 on 4

Nissan CliMaxima

Chevy Malibu-ty

Jiztubishi

Sex Toy-ota

Shower Cam-ry

(Ass) Wrangler

Chevy Tahoe-bag

Pink Taco-ma

Honda Cervix

Ford Pocus

SmAcura

Ford Musty-tang

Toyota Whore Runner

Hundyke

Who Needs the Radio Star Anyway?

Here are two videos I'm in, the first written by myself, Julia, Becky Feldman, and Nate Luce. The second written by Patrick Gantz and Jason Saenz. Here are the links.

QT with Q-Tips

The Douche Hunter

Enjoy! 

First World Problems

I was introduced to "first world problems" by the lovely Nell Constantinople. She told Julia and I that the idea behind the first world problem is that it is something you seriously complain about and find annoying that in comparison to the rest of the world (or just third world problems) is the last thing you should worry about. Here are some of my favorite examples of first world problems.

Chipped nail after a mani/pedi

Swimmers Ear

Leftovers

A dead orchid

Bad Haircut

Paper Cut

"not in stock"

Hat Hair

A scratched DVD

Expensive headshots (for actors/actresses/real estate agents?)

Lousy work coffee

beach traffic

Bad cell service

Waiting at a restaurant

Lame fireworks

A flat tire...on your bike

Mismatched bikini

My friends Kristin and Joe were kind enough to contribute to today's post, but please please please leave your favorite "first world problems" in the comments.

From Kristin:

I left my moisturizer in Los Angeles (she lives in DC)

The Sex and the City time slot I wanted was sold out on Fandango

My monogrammed hand towel fell in the toilet

My straw doesn't reach the bottom of my smoothie.

Wearing a bathing suit when I forget to do laundry

From Joe:

Business Travel

Business Drunk

Tennis Elbow

Dorito Finger

Computer Virus

Convertible Hair

Over Conditioning

Conflicting Invitations

Bad Highlights

Slicing(in golf)

Live-Blogging the 1PM Showing of Roseanne

Live-Blogging. Basically what this means is the writer blogs an event in current time. Make sense? Here is an example it's 12:49 PM right now so if I were live-blogging my life I would put
12:49PM: I'm live-bogging about live-blogging, my brain just exploded.
12:50PM: I need to go to the hospital, I wish Julia was home.

All the time now I see bloggers live-blogging something, either the Oscars, or the Superbowl (just kidding, I do NOT read sports blogs) or some movie premier. Pretty much any big occasion. So I decided I wanted to live blog something. However, since its 12:52 PM on a Weds my options are pretty limited. I have decided to live-blog the 1PM showing of Roseanne on Oxygen. Well known fact about me, I wasn't allowed to watch T.V growing up, especially Roseanne. So this might be the 3rd time I have watched the show, ever. So get ready world, here comes my live-blog of Roseanne. Here is the synopsis my cable gave me to get ready:
"Secrets", Dan pays dearly for keeping a secret from Becky and Roseanne about Mark's drunken evening at the Lobo Lounge.
12:55 PM: I'm about to start watching Roseanne. I know I'm about to learn a lot, like who Mark is and what the big deal is about having a "drunken evening" at a place called the Lobo Lounge. If I went to the Lobo Lounge I would get drunk too.

12:57PM: The show hasn't started yet, but after two minutes of thinking I'm already on Mark's side...I hope I don't eat my words. ooooooooooooo!

12:59PM: Ahhhh it started a minute early, I have butterflies!!

1:00PM: Roseanne does not trust her kids to babysit Crystals baby! And she also apparently doesn't trust Crystals husband with the baby either. Is this a joke? Or are these people really irresponsible??

1:01PM: I think its Roseanne's sister, the one from Scream. Well she just confused their childhood with a Little Rascals episode. Roseanne made fun of her for it, I'm guessing this is going to be a recurring theme.

1:02PM: cue credits. This show is so REAL. Becky is the only attractive person I have seen so far. If any of these people auditioned in 2008, they would not be cast.

1:03PM: *Commercial Break Thoughts* Ok Julia has called this show one of the best shows ever, and says she could still watch it without being cynical. So far I like it, Roseanne is super sassy, and kind of mean. Mostly to her kids so far, but I bet the meaness will spread as the episode goes on.

1:05PM; Its back! We are now at the Lobo Lounge. This place does not look like a Lounge, more like an American Legion meets a Rec Hall diner. Its Roseanne and the ladies sitting around. Its actually a lot like Sex and the City minus the money, and the clothes, and the city.

1:07PM: Its still kind of sexy, and Roseanne just tried to get everyones tab covered by saying they all found flies in their beers. For some reason it didn't work, but I think we all got a good laugh, and a new trick for getting out of beers

1:08PM: One of the women is wearing a drawstring jean coat.

1:09PM: Roseanne just said, and I quote "That don't do me no good" no wonder my mom didn't let me watch this.

1:09PM: Tom Arnold is on this show. I didn't know that. Now its the guys turn to bitch, they are playing poker. They let the guy who just lost his job win a lot, Tom Arnold does not realize they are doing this. He seems dumb.

1:10PM: I know everyone says Seinfeld is about nothing, but after 10 minutes I'm starting to think Roseanne is about nothing too.

1:11: Mark is drunk at the LOBO, Dan Just Got A Phone Call!!! And he knew who was calling because he picked up saying their name, even though they clearly don't have caller ID...fishy.

1:12PM: Turns out Mark put his fist through the juke box at the Lobo. Also Mark is hot. And apparently dating Dan's daughter.

1:13PM: *Commercial Break* Thoughts- Marks hot, I can get into this. Dan went to pick him up and promised not to tell his daughter that Mark is drunk at the Lobo. The Lobo is the only bar that exists in this whole town. Also Roseanne was just at the Lobo, but she didn't see Mark getting drunk. If my dad had to go pick my drunk boyfriend up at the Lobo, I hope he would tell me. Mark made a rhyming joke saying "Dan, Dan, you're my man" Dan replied "Mark Mark, you puke in my truck, I'll kill you." Its funny because its true. Dan would drive a truck, and he probably would kill that guy.

1:16PM: OH NO! The guys playing poker in the house lied to Becky and Darlene about where Dan went, they said he went for pizza, they asked for pizza, and Dan lied and said he went to his shop, now thats two lies! Let the episode begin!!!

1:17PM: OH NO! Now Dan is telling the guys not to tell Roseanne either, commence multiple jokes by the guys about how/why they lie to their wives.

1:18PM: Here we go, Roseanne and Dan are in bed, Roseanne is asking a lot of questions about why Dan had to go to the shop. He is lying alllllll over the place. Something tells me by the end of this episode Roseanne will know he is lying.

1:21PM; Mark and Dan have a heart to heart at the shop the next morning about how Mark owes Dan, and Mark is really thankful Dan didn't tell his daughter about how drunk Mark got at the Lobo. Dan is going off on Mark. Good, he deserves it.

1:22PM: OH SHIT! Turns out Roseanne didn't know Mark was drunk at the Lobo, and now her sister just spilled the beans!!

1:24PM: Dan is home. Becky just left with Mark for the movies. Roseanne knows Dan lied about Mark being drunk at the Lobo. Roseanne is catching Dan in all sorts of lies right now. She is calling him out!!

1:25PM; Dan is lying and drinking a beer. The beer can looks tiny. Like a mini beer can, Dan is HUGE.

1:26PM: Show over. Really? I don't think anything got resolved...or maybe it did, and I was too busy thinking about how tiny the beer can that Dan is drinking looks.

Final Thoughts: First and foremost, live-blogging is really hard!!! Second, this show was funny, but nothing happened. Maybe thats why live-blogging it was so hard. There were like 5,000 characters, and I had no idea who any of them were. I wanted more Becky/Mark action and less Roseanne busting everyone's chops. Although I do like Dan a lot. As far as the synopsis goes though I'm not quite sure "Dan pays dearly" more like he lost out on some change.

Next week, Full House!!

Dear Diary

I didn't floss this weekend since it was Memorial Day. I know, I know its Wednesday but still, why cant I Memorial it up for a couple extra days?!?!?! Don't be so selfish, Diary. Anyway I flossed today and it reaked of old people. Like super old people attic full of old people clothes.